Thursday, November 26, 2015

I'm not ready to be Thankful

My dad died.  Three months ago, but it might as well have been 3 days ago. I wake up every morning hoping that today is the day that it hurts a little bit less.  That day wasn't today. Maybe it will be tomorrow.

My dad died at the age of 65.  I know he wasn't a spring chicken anymore, but 65 is still young!  He should have had 20 more years.  20 more years to love his wife, love his children and love and know his grandchildren.  He should have had 20 more years and maybe even some great grandchildren.

I wonder often if I had had more time with him what I would have told him.  I wonder if he knew all the things that are in my heart.  Did he know how much I love him?  Did he know how much I looked up to him? Did he know how grateful I am for all the things he taught me?

Was he proud of me? I know he loved me.  He showed me unconditional love every single day, but I wonder if I made him proud.

I find myself being caught completely off guard by the tidal wave of grief that hits me every time I think of the things that he won't be a part of now.  When Rhys and I get married I won't have my dad to walk me down the aisle.  When we have our next child, my dad won't be here to meet him or her, and I am so sad for my next child that he or she won't know their papa. Phoebe had him in her life for such a brief time.  I am sad that she won't remember him except by the stories and pictures we share with her.

I miss him.  I want to call him on the phone and ask him how his day was.   I want him to scold me for not wearing socks. I just want to hear his voice. I want to hear him tell me that he loves me, just one more time.

I am grateful that my mom, my sister and I were able to be with him when he passed.  I am grateful that the last words that I said to my dad were, "I love you",  I am grateful that I was able to hold his hand until his heart stopped beating.  I am grateful that he wasn't alone. I am grateful that he is no longer in pain.  I know that I am being selfish by wishing he was still here with us.  I have faith that he is in a better place..... I just wish that place could have been here with his family for a little while longer.

It's 11:45pm on the night before Thanksgiving and I am struggling to be Thankful.  I know it will get easier.  Everyone says that it will, so it must.  That day wasn't today.  Maybe it will be next Thanksgiving.