Monday, April 22, 2013

Thanks for the tip!

I saw this commercial a while back while at the movies....


Dear Rihanna,

Remember that time that Chris Brown, like, totally mangled your face and the whole world heard about it and rallied behind you and supported you because he was a douche with no excuse to live and you are a sweet innocent flower and no one ever deserves to be abused?   Oh you don't remember that?  It's ok, maybe this will refresh your memory:

And then after that Chris Brown went on an "I am so misunderstood and everyone is so meaaaaan to me so I am going to rip my clothes off and break windows with chairs!" rampage!  That definitely helped his image and  cemented his place in our hearts as America's favorite PSA against Domestic Violence.

 It's hard out there for a pimp

Well, Rihanna,  the day that you decided that maybe he is an alright guy after all and took him back and started singing songs about birthday cake together was the day that I stopped paying ANY attention at all to your fall back career attempt to be a life coach.

"We all start somewhere, it’s where you end up that counts”.

Well said. So when I decide that I want to end up as someones punching bag I will make sure and follow your lead.


P.s. You are way too pretty and talented for that sort of nonsense. 

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

I enjoy being a girl!

For about 26 days of the month I am a happy, well adjusted, confident woman.
 I feel like a prom queen with a smokin' hot date 90% of the time

The other 4 or 5 days of the month, when "Aunt Flo" comes to visit, I am an irrational, overly emotional train wreck.

 Rage monster!!!!!

I am sure that I am not alone when I say that I think it's a bit unfair that, as women, we have to endure this monthly nightmare for the better part of our lives, when we really only need our menstrual cycles during our child bearing years.  For most of us, we are going to get our child birthing out of the way between the ages of 20 and 35. Not to say it doesn't happen outside that timeline..... but generally speaking.  That is 15 years of the curse to endure, and more than long enough in my opinion.  I know that whining and pissing and moaning about it won't change anything.  I am just waxing poetic here about how amaze-balls it would be if in a perfect world I could flip a switch on the day I decide I want to start having kids, to open the flood gates so-to-speak, and then when I am done populating the earth with the fruits of my womb, I can turn the switch back off.

 Let's do this!!

Can I get an Amen?

Sadly, that is not how it works. I have been dealing with my monthly visitor since I turned 14. FOURTEEN. I hadn't even kissed a boy at the age of 14, so what the hell was my body doing getting ready for the big show??

Disappointed Otter is disappointed

On top of the fact that menstruating is uncomfortable, at best, and makes me a weepy mess, I have spent WAAAAAYYYYYYY  too much money over the years on the various accoutrements that one needs to survive the monthly crimson tide, i.e: maxi pads, tampons, Motrin, etc. Way too much money and NO OFFSPRING TO SHOW FOR IT YET.

I bought tampons the other day. They are Tampax brand and they are called "Radiant"  Yep, radiant.  No part of being on my period and using that product makes me feel like a radiant princess.  I don't care what they say, I still feel like I am plugged up with a cotton torpedo.  They can stuff their radiant princess sticks right up their ass.

Did anyone else ever watch this video in preparation for "becoming a woman"?

 At about the 7 minute mark, it starts talking about the symptoms of menstruation. Some girls might feel less "peppy" and experience the occasional "twinge" in the lower abdomen.

Thank you Disney, for properly preparing me for the feeling of gremlins trying to claw their way out of my uterus each month.  I definitely feel less peppy.

*sigh* I don't know where exactly where I was going with all this. I just think it's lame.  And my poor boyfriend had to bear witness to my emotional nuclear meltdown at dinner the other night  simply because I hated every one and everything and they put walnuts on my salad which prompted murderous rage and contempt!!! And then tears. Yes, I cried. He's a trooper, that's for sure.

Oh well.... Back to my Wile E. Coyote-esque drawing board where I am attempting to cure the evil curse!!!