Friday, December 28, 2012

I'm waffling

I have been wondering lately if I should keep trying to make an effort. It's been a year. I keep trying and all I manage to get in return is excluded from things that I would have normally been included in because..... well I don't know. Because certain people can't act like mature adults?  Because we can't just all get along? What I have found myself doing instead is watching, as an outsider, the fun group things that my friends are doing and wondering why I have been singled out as the only person not invited to join in. I know the answer. But it's stupid. I was willing to let some time pass, and graciously bow out into the background..... for awhile. I am tired of being the disgraced black sheep of the group. 

I remember a time, not all that long ago, when if one of us was having a get together and we knew that certain attendees might not get along, we said "Fuck it. They will have to deal with it because they are both my friends".  I guess that mentality doesn't apply to me.

I shouldn't care, but my feelings are hurt. I don't feel like I should keep bothering. I suppose the best course of action is just to continue fading into the background.  It's not as if I have a shortage of friends. I am not sitting at home, crying myself to sleep because no one wants to hang out with me; but I miss those friends. Two of them in particular, and specifically the option of hanging out with both of them at the same time.

I'm not sure what to do :(

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Saying Goodbye- Feb 1, 2011

Ouch, reading this again makes me so sad :(

My grandpa is the best man that I have ever known.  I might be a little bit partial.... but honestly, a lot of people say that about him, not just his devoted family. He is kind, generous, loving, accepting and forgiving.  He always has a kind or encouraging word for everyone. I am so lucky to have been blessed with him as my family.

It seems that 88 years have finally caught up to him.  His body is tired and despite fighting it for the last couple of months, it is time for him to rest and move on.  Tomorrow morning we have to say goodbye.

I selfishly want him to stay, to live forever. But that is not how life works. We all reach the end and we all have to leave this world.  My grief at losing him as a constant fixture in my life is lessened by the knowledge that he will no longer suffer and he will be home with God and his family.

Thank you, Papa for so many life lessons, hugs, kisses, and the general feeling of being so loved and cherished unconditionally. I can only hope that I was able to make you feel the same while you were here. Every time I drink a Dr. Pepper or eat a peach, I will think of you and smile.

Rest comfortably tonight, Papa. You have an exciting journey home tomorrow. Give Uncle Gene and Uncle Dillard a hug for me when you get there. I love you bunches and always.

Listening to John Mayer makes me whiney and introspective and annoying. Shoot me!- Jan 24, 2011

I STILL need to hike Half-Dome!!

Random Monday thoughts......

-The hospital is my least favorite place, yet it seems to be where I am spending the majority of my time lately.  I think that I am almost as good at finding things at Redding Med (Shasta regional, or whatever they call themselves for the moment) now as I was when my dad was at Mercy.  I could probably start showing people how to find where they are going. Like a greeter or something. But I don't want to wear one of those hideous stripey outfits. Funny enough, when my dad spent a week at Mercy 2 weeks ago, I thought for sure that I would have to learn that place all over again. But sadly, it all came right back and I was able to get straight to him without asking for assistance or really even having to read the signs. Seemed more like I had just been there 2 days before, and not 2 years.  Weird.  Can you all start taking your vitamins and do yoga or something? Be healthy. I am tired of spending my free time at the hospital ;p

-Deana commented to me yesterday, after I slayed the Direct TV box, that I am pretty tech-savvy.  I feel like I know enough to get myself in trouble ;p  But I have discovered lately that I kinda dig that computer/software/electronics "stuff".  Been rolling around the idea of maybe looking into a degree in computer science.  I know, it sounds crazy for me. But who knows... maybe that is my calling. Maybe I would never use it. But if I could take apart my computer, make it run faster/smarter/better, and then put it back together, that would make it all worth it for me ;) 

-My 2nd cousin (3rd maybe? I think it's 3rd....) Ryan, whom I have never met.... because he lives on the moon (Washington), just emailed me and said he is coming to Cali and wants to get together. Oh yes, that just made my freaking day!!!!!  Probably my most favorite person I have never met ;p  And he is going to be in Monterey which I love. Like I need an excuse to head to the ocean :) Yay for cousin visits!!!!!

-I suck pretty hard in the dating dept lately. In the last month I have:
1) Been dumped. Well, as dumped as I could have been when it wasn't really a relationship to begin with. But whatev.
2) Had a really awkward and uncomfortable talk with one of my oldest and best friends about how despite the fact that we are probably soul mates, and I recognize that, we will not be dating because I just don't feel the same way about him that he feels about me. Good times for sure.
3) Spent my birthday with amazing friends, including ex boyfriend that I dated for 5 years. We are still friends, very good friends actually. And it was strangely familiar and comfortable right down to him calling me "babe", and then quickly correcting himself to "Becky" ;p But the fact remains that we didn't work out for some pretty serious and important reasons and those will not change. And lastly......
4) I met a really good looking, smart and funny guy who seems to like me and wants to spend time with me. I am fighting the urge to scream "If you are fucked up, save me some time and peddle your crazy elsewhere!". I have a feeling that if I do that, he will most likely not want to spend time with me anymore, haha. And that would be a shame because the cookies and sailing and such have been tolerable so far ;)
To summarize; I am wishing that the guys that I am not interested in would stop hurling their feelings and emotions at me. I am wishing that the guy(s) that I am interested in would pull their head out and take a breath, I'm not THAT scary. I am finding that I can't fall back into a habit simply because it is comfortable and familiar, because it is still what it is. And finally, I shouldn't be suspiciously waiting for a seemingly normal, very nice guy to turn out to be damaged, when instead I should be dreading the moment when he finds out that I am damaged ;p  I think maybe I will just join a convent, haha.

-I am hiking half-dome this summer. So far everyone that I tell wants to snicker at me like they don't think it will happen. I will show you nay-sayers. It's going to be AMAZING.  I really think the only thing standing between me and the top is that pesky elevation issue and the fact that I am a wheezy mess lately. But I am sure there is something to be done, some way to prepare for that. I will not be deterred!!!! And when the emergency rescue team has to haul my ass down, hooked up to oxygen, I will be saying "See, I told you I could do it!" :p

-I want to karaoke more. Nothing makes me quite as happy as singing and I don't do it nearly often enough. Even if I am laughed off stage, it'll still be fun with good friends. First up on my karaoke set list: "Touch myself" by the Divinyls. A good time will be had by all ;p Who's up for some karaoke fun this Tuesday?

New Years Resolutions- Dec 29, 2010

Sadly, hardly any of these things were accomplished despite my enthusiastic approach. I will cut and paste to my New Years Resolutions circa 2013.

3 more days and it will be 2011.  And in just over two weeks I will be 30.  I have been trying really hard not to let this milestone effect me in a weird midlife crisis sort of way, it's just another birthday right?  No, not really. Not when I think about all the plans I had and a certain list I made a few years ago titled "Things I need to do before I am 30".... I sadly have not crossed anything off that list yet.  I am a busy girl, but its no excuse for putting off things that are important to me. So with that list in mind, and of course the new goals that have come to me over the course of this year, here are my 2011 New Years Resolutions:

1. For the love of all things Holy, I am going to finish up the last 3 classes I need at Shasta College so I can transfer.  I have no excuse for not having it done already. It's just that I work full time and so the only time I can get out there is at night. And after I work all day, the last thing I want to do is spend another 3 hours or so on campus. And then homework. Ick!  But that is just laziness talking.... I can do it. I will do it.

2. Gym. Gym. Oh yeah, GYM.  I need to get my ass in gear.  I went 5 days a week for the longest time. Then my membership expired and I didn't renew it right away and I sat around like a lazy slob. And I can definitely tell where it has gotten me.  I try to stay active, but between the blistering heat in the summer and the freezing rain in the winter... there are not a whole lot of usable outdoor months in this area. So back to the gym I go. I will just go right after work, on my way to class.  Plenty of time :p   I have about 25 pounds I would like to kiss goodbye.

3.  Oh, boys.  My heart and I are going to sit down and have a little talk.  Heart is no longer allowed to become attached to emotionally unavailable men.  Not even the ones who pretend to be available and say things like "Oh wow. Becky you are so super and I like you lots and you make me happpppy. Let's spend lots of time together so I can convince you that I might be interested in sticking around for awhile".  Because that is almost always closely followed by "Becky, I like you a lot, but....".  And the "But" has shown itself to be many varied things. NEWSFLASH: I am not some experiment for you to test out and make sure you are ready for the real thing. I AM the real thing! And I am pretty f*ing awesome. Got that, heart?  I hope you were paying attention. Recap- No more wishy-washy boys.  I know this sounds like a very specific example of a thing that happened once.... but sadly this has happened to me plenty of times.

4. Learn to play the guitar.  This was on my list of things to do before I am 30.  I tried once, and failed. Damn these small hands!  But I shall not give up.  I am gonna dust off my guitar (yes, I have one) and try try again.

5.  Be a better cook. Maybe I need a class or something. I am sure I can squeeze it in somewhere between the gym and math class.  At nearly 30 years old I should be a better cook. It's a good thing I have Deana... otherwise I would be subsisting on spaghetti and chocolate chip cookies.That doesn't sound half bad, but it is probably most of the reason I need to get back to the gym so badly ;p

6. Go to Hawaii. Before 2011 is over.  I need sandy beaches and umbrella drinks.

7.  Be a good friend, but stop allowing my "good" friends to walk all over me.  I must learn to say no. I am really good at telling others how to say no, but I am not so good at the practical application of it.  Those who can't do, teach. Right? ;p

Well, I think that covers most of it. I left out the really boring stuff, like getting my eyebrows waxed instead of tweezing, and getting three stars on all the Angry Birds levels ;p


Breaking News! Random slobbery dog attacks in Shasta Lake- Dec 22, 2010

 Good thing I love dogs.

God must have woke up this morning and said to himself "Gee, what today really needs to make it extra special spectacular (this is assuming the God talks just like me) is for Becky to be full body contact assaulted by a GIANT slobbery wet dog in her drive way".  And behold! A GIANT slobbery wet dog High-fived me right in the chest this morning while getting into my car. And it was good.

I guess it could have been worse. The dog could have been Cujo, and could have ripped my head off and proceeded to use it like a chew toy.  The upside is that said GIANT slobbery wet dog seemed nice enough.  So nice that he must have been making the rounds this morning and greeting every unsuspecting neighbor about to embark on their morning commute. I prefer though to think that that little slice of misery/heaven this morning was reserved just for me.

I would like to tip my figurative hat to GIANT slobbery wet dog for successfully reminding me that it is only Wednesday, I haven't slept nearly enough in the last week, its raining (as evidenced by that lovely wet dog smell that shall linger on me for the rest of the day) and I really really need a cup of coffee.... good boy!

Just one person?... In the whole entire world???- Nov 9, 2010

I am still not sold on this "Soul Mate" business.....

I just had a very interesting conversation with a friend about soul mates.  She says that she believes that everyone has a soul mate. One person out there in the world that is meant just for you. And that person will be the perfect fit, the sunrise to your sunset, the Mr. Snuffleupagus to your Big Bird. She said this is all predetermined.... fate, I guess you would call it. While I think that is a very romantic idea... I just don't know if I can buy into it. Fate, if you believe in it, can only take you so far.  Sure it can deliver you to the right place at the right time. But what if it delivers me to a guy with bad teeth that I could never bring myself to make out with??  Then what? Maybe he's the Yin to my Yang.... but funky teeth freak me out!

Out of the however many billion people on the planet there is only one that is the perfect one for me? The idea of that makes me feel very claustrophobic.  How am I supposed to recognize another person as my Mr. Snuffleupagus if not for a sign that reads "Desperately seeking Big Bird"?   I watched a movie called "Timer" a month or so ago. It was about people who wear watches that countdown to the exact time that you will meet your soul mate (Pretty good movie, actually).  Maybe we all need those watches.  It would definitely take the unknown out of the equation. But then again, isn't not knowing half the fun?

I don't really know where I was going with this, but the conversation definitely made me think. I'm curious to know who else believes that there is just one person meant for you. If so, have you found that person?  And if you say yes, can I say "I told you so" in 5 years when you are divorced or broken up and looking for your new soul mate?  (I'm half kidding, that would be sad, but you know what I mean ;p)  I'm not judging.... it happened to me too.

On the other side of that coin, do you think it's possible to have many different soul mates? Different people who accentuate the positives of your nature and even out the not so positives? This is more my way of thinking.

Anyway, food for thought. I am curious to know what others think about this "Soul Mate" business.

I'm rolling my eyes, big time, in your direction right now- Oct 27, 2010

Hahahahahaha!!  I actually have another post on here very similar to this about women auctioning off bras for breast cancer awareness. Basically I wanted to say "You are so dumb".

I received this message from a few different female friends over the last week:

"Okay, ladies here is another breast cancer awareness status game. Thanks to all of you that have been playing so far! Copy and paste this email and send it to all the ladies on your friends list. NO MEN! This time we are going to post your shoe size followed by the word "inches" and a sad face. This will really have all of the men asking questions! Remember the whole bra thing made the national news! Let's do it again!"

If one person can tell me how this raises awareness for the fight against breast cancer AT ALL, I will gladly play this game. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

I am not going to name names, but really how can you ('you' being the lovely ladies who forwarded this to me) believe this is helping any cause, let alone the fight to beat breast cancer?  If you want to do some good, why don't you donate to the appropriate organization, or volunteer at a fund raiser.  I don't think, and this is obviously just my opinion, that posting our shoe size in hopes of fooling men into think we are talking about their wieners is helping anything.  Funny yes, but totally pointless. If I am wrong, please convince me otherwise.

OK, I have said my piece. Feel free to tar and feather me now for ruining the game ;p

300 seems like an awful lot- Oct 14, 2010

 I have lots of friends, and I am an excellent salesperson of cookie dough.

My friends niece was selling tubs of cookie dough for some sort of fundraiser for school a few weeks ago. She said to me "Auntie Becky, if I sell 128 tubs I get a Nintendo DS", to which I replied "Good luck sweetie, I don't think I could do it. I don't even know 128 people". 

Well clearly that was not an accurate statement. I just realized that I have 300 friends on facebook. Granted, most of them are distant (geographically speaking, always close in heart) family and people I went to school with who I never talk to on here :p  But still, that's a lot of people.  And I am happy to report that out of all of them, there are only 5 (I counted) whom I have never met in person. It's always really annoyed me when I get random friend requests from people who I don't know, and have no mutual friends. Why? All my shit is private so you know nothing about me.  I am not interested in helping you fulfill your desire to get to 5000 friends.

To those 5 who I have yet to meet, I am sure you know who you are, cause this means you have never met me in person either.... let's get together ;)

And to everyone else.... would you like to buy some cookie dough?

Like a 12 step program- Sept 12, 2010

Obviously I was having a bad day. It's also clear that I like the "Golden Girls" too much. Oh who am I kidding, there's no such thing as too much "Golden Girls".

I've adopted a "shut off" plan in an attempt to take feelings I don't want to have anymore, stuff them down deep and ignore them. If I do this for long enough, they will just go away, right? Day #2 and its already harder then I was hoping it would be. *sigh*
I guess since I didn't develop these feelings overnight it would be silly to assume that I can make them go away overnight... Although it seems to be that easy for some.
Soooooo, I'll be eating my way through giant chocolate sheet cakes and watching "Golden Girls" reruns if anyone needs me.
The first step is admitting you have a problem... The other 11 are making it go the f*** away. Here's to working through your feelings. Cheers!

25 Things- January 27, 2009

Everyone remembers these silly Facebook games, right?  Well here were my really interesting (hardly) 25 things about me:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I love sushi but hate pickled ginger. Gross!

2. I love birds. Any kind. But I am having a hard time reconciling that not all birds want to sit on my shoulder and sing me pretty songs like my bird does. I get bit a lot :P

3. I really really dislike math. I am not convinced that learning how to factor a poly-nomial will EVER help me get a job at the zoo. Look, I probably just spelled poly-nomial wrong... that's how much I care.

4. I brush my teeth like 4 times a day. People with nasty teeth freak me out. I might start carrying around a bag of toothbrushes and hand them out to strangers.

5. I am Facebook challanged. For real... it took me like 10 minutes to figure out how to post this once I actually realized that I had been tagged in Sheileen's. I kinda like Myspace better. Feel free to tar and feather me now.

6. It is taking a lot longer then I thought to come up with 25 things about me. And I am only on #6. I'm gonna be here awhile.

7. I am a bit compulsive when it comes to being tidy. Piles of papers really bug me. It might be ok if it were an extremely neat pile... but probably not. Everything has it's place and should be in that place if not being utilized.

8. Going to the gym is the bane of my existence. But I hate being chubby, so I keep going.

9. I don't want children. You can lecture me about how I will change my mind, but I won't. Really. I have not one stinking maternal bone in my body. I love my neices and nephews, but at the end of the day I am sooooo glad that they go home with someone else. So leave me ALONE.

10. I am really unhappy about all the horror movies coming out that are remakes of old ones. I happen to think that 'Last House on the Left" was pretty brilliant the first time around. Why screw up a good thing? Cause you know they are gonna screw it up. Just like they did with "Halloween".

11. On that note, I also don't like all the movies they are putting out that are remakes of Japanese or Korean films. Have you seen the Korean version of "Shutter" WAY scarier than the crappy one they released here. Are we really so lazy that we can't read some subtitles??

12. Wombats are my favorite animal. I dare you to show me something cuter than a wombat

13. I love foreign films. This could play a large part in my reasoning behind #11 :P Some of my favs: "City of Lost Children" "Pan's Labyrinth" "Devils Backbone" "Old Boy". I watched "Fat Girl"... I can't decide if I like it. Definitely disturbing... possibly brilliant. Jury is still out on that one.

14. There are a ton of movies in my Netflix que. I don't think I will ever reach the bottom (or at least what the bottom is now). I don't even remember what half of them are about.

15. I'm pretty sure that Mark Whalberg has had some speech coaching. I was watching "Fear" on TV the other night and he was hard to listen to. He had like a lisp or something.... couldn't hear his R's. Nothing says scary like a speech impediment. But then I watched "Max Payne" (TERRIBLE btw) and he talks totally different.

16. I'm eating fried zuchini right now. Mmmmmmm

17. I love me some nintendo. I can play mario games for hours. I got the new mario kart for wii for my birthday.... now i just need a wii.

18. Haunted Houses scare the bejesus out of me! Especially if there is a chance that someone could actually touch me. Oh Hell no!

19. I am very good at getting what I want. So good in fact that you may not even realize that you are bending to my will. It's sort of like the jedi mind-trick.

20. I can be extremely anti-social. There isn't much that sounds better to me than staying in and putting my jammies on. Unless of course you want to come over and hang out in your jammies too.

21. I tried wearing contacts for awhile, but they really hurt my eyeballs. It felt like I had gravel in my eyes by the time the day was over. So I stick with my trusty glasses. I look like a nerd, so what?

22. It is impossible for me to be on a diet. If I see cheesecake I will eat it. Plain and simple. This is why I just keep plugging along at the gym.

23. I love to dance! And I don't really care who is watching. I am that girl at the club that hears some lame ass old school hip hop, shouts "That's my jam!" and runs out to the dance floor to shake her money maker even though everyone else just left :P

24. I do my own taxes every year. This is easy for me because I have no children, I dont own a home or a business and I make squat. Yay for Turbo Tax!

25. Holy Moly! It's the end. Ummm... one more thing...... I am super duper sarcastic. Having said that, you should take almost all of these "things" seriously.

Make new friends but keep the old

I made a new friend a while back (oxymoron?). My new friend is Blogger. She houses my blog.  My old friend is Facebook notes. Remember those?? Before Facebook I used to rant and rave on my Myspace blog. Some of those posts were real gems, but I was a dummy and deleted my Myspace account and anything that went with it about 4 years ago, including those twisted little peeks into my rambling mind. If I had thought about it for more than 5 seconds before hitting the delete button, I might have had the foresight to copy those blog posts to something for posterity's sake. Oh well.  Thankfully, all my old Facebook notes are still collecting dust on a server somewhere and I am able to dust them off and bring them here for you. Don't get too excited, they aren't anything to write home about, but I am going to post them here, noting the date they were originally written, just so I have a record of them in 5 years when I get sick of Facebook and hit the "delete" button again.

If you happen to follow me on my new little friend here, you will probably notice that the next 5 or 6 posts will probably not make any sense and seem out of place in the timeline of my life; just keep in mind that they are old.