Wednesday, October 3, 2012

You can't take me anywhere!

I love it when my past posts result in material for new posts. It's like the circle of life, or some shit.

 "It's the circle of liiiiiiiiife! And it moves us allllll"

Many many moons ago I wrote a post about this guy who I was sorta seeing and the extraordinary effort he put in to telling me a very silly and unnecessary lie.

You can see it here. In fact, you ought to read that first or unfortunately the rest of this post won't make any sense at all.

Now it gets fun.

This past weekend I went to a wedding. When I arrived I was introduced to another woman who was the date of an acquaintance of mine.  Imagine my surprise to see that his date was the ugly necklace girl from my long ago post! I knew immediately who she was but since she appeared to not remember me, I played dumb and acted as though we were being introduced for the first time.

My plan would have worked perfectly except that as the evening went on she started to remember that she had met me before, but couldn't remember when or how. She told me that I looked familiar. I told her that she looked familiar also, but honestly, I was totally OK with just letting it be a mystery for.... ever.

As the night went on she asked me a couple different times if I knew "so and so". Unfortunately, the answer was always no. The only person that we both know is the one that I was avoiding bringing up.  Finally, I figured that she wouldn't be giving up any time soon and just blurted out that we both know that one guy and we had met like over a year and a half ago.

You know that saying that you can "see the wheels turning in someone's head"?  Oh that happened.

I am not exaggerating when I say that the conversation proceeded like this:

Her: "You dated him right?"
Me: "Well I wouldn't really call it dating. We spent some time together. But I guess for lack of a better word....."
Her: "You are the one that was all crazy"
Me: (Thinking: What the?) "Nooooo, I try to refrain from crazy. I'm nice"
Her: "You posted on facebook that my necklace was ugly"
Me: (Dying of laughter on the inside) ?What? I would never. I don't talk trash on my facebook". (True words! It's not my fault that she cannot differentiate my facebook from my blog. Ok ok, this may have been a lie by omission. Shoot me).

Everyone at the table had turned and was watching this totally awesome display. Thank goodness for my friend who came up with a very well timed distraction, "Oh look, it's time for the speeches".

The rest of the evening was drama free, but I am assuming that is because she and I did not speak to each other again, save for general niceties about the DJ or the food. 

I contemplated pulling her aside and explaining something. What I would have said was:

Look honey, just because I didn't like your necklace way back in the day does not mean that I was personally attacking you. You are probably super nice, in fact you have seemed very nice on both occasions that we have met aside from your little "You're crazy" confrontation a couple minutes ago. We just don't have the same taste in jewelry and since it's my blog, I can say whatever I want. It's not as if I called you out by name and said "(Insert your name here), who was born on (insert your birthday here), and who lives in Redding, CA has some seriously ugly jewelry and you should throw rocks at her". Only you and that guy that we both know would have any idea at all who I was even talking about. Additionally, I may or may not have speculated as to what kind of person you are, insinuating that married women who run around with, and leave jewelry at the homes of, men other than their husbands are probably hookers.  First of all, I have no idea about what you actually do, only what our mutual friend has told me of you. If it is inaccurate, take it up with him, don't be angry at me for forming an opinion based on the information given to me. Secondly, if you have read any of my other blog posts (which I doubt since they have nothing to do with you) you would know that I exaggerate almost everything for maximum comedic value. It's just what I do. Don't trip. I don't know you well enough to know whether or not you are, in fact, a hooker. Ok? Ok. Now, let's go shake our money makers on the dance floor to some Sir. Mix-a-lot. Xoxoxo

Fortunately or unfortunately, I can't decide yet, the timing was never quite right to pull her aside and have that little heart to heart. But maybe she will see this, I mean seriously I never expected her to see the last one, so the odds are good that this one will make it's way back to her as well. And maybe if she sees this she will not think I am an awful, crazy, monster anymore. Who am I kidding, she will probably still hate me, but here's to wishful thinking ;) Cheers, Darling!!

Stay tuned for my next post about a totally different awkward encounter at the same wedding!  I promise I didn't call anyone a hooker in that one. Pinky swear.

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