Oh if only it were over already
I have had more than enough heartache to last me a couple years or more. My year so far in recap:
I am not getting married anymore. Sometimes people are just not capable of being decent and honest. It hurts when you realize that you've spent so much time making excuses for someone and gave them so many chances to hurt you again and again. And then there is the humiliation that comes along with it when EVERYONE you know is saying "Oh you didn't know that? We all knew that" and they look at you with sympathy all over their face. I HATE people feeling sorry for me. Ew. I hate being played even more though. Sometimes I just want to kick someone (him) in the nards. I am sure that would make me feel better.
I was pregnant. Not for long though. While I was, I was scared out of my mind. I am not ready to be a parent by any stretch of the imagination. But once I allowed myself to take some deep breaths and calm the fuck down.... I kind of liked the idea. I was going to be a mommy! I could groom my spawn into an awesome little person! I would have someone to love unconditionally and would love me unconditionally in return. And then it was gone. And it hurt so badly. It's stupid really.... I mean, I spent the better part of the last 19 years saying that I never wanted children. So why should I care so much? Who knows why.... but I did. I do. I guess these things happen when they are supposed to and when they are not, they don't.
Do you think they make a "parenting for Dummies" book??
I lost my best friend. I miss her. When all this shit came raining down on me I wanted so badly to call her. And of course I couldn't. She is basically only cordial to me anymore, for reasons that she feels validated in having. And that's fine. But I feel like we both did wrong and I was hoping to mend fences. I guess I am the only one. I will continue to be optimistic.
My body has staged a mutiny against me. I had some serious complications after the baby that drained about 4 weeks off my life and caused some awful pain and more follow up appointments than I care to count. Thankfully, I believe that as far as my reproductive parts are concerned, I am back to normal. Unfortunately now my back has decided to cause constant, and almost unbearable at times, pain. Three Chiropractor appointments a week and an MRI and there is still no measurable improvement or projected time frame for relief :( Boooooooo.
My Gammy died. My heart hurts. The last time I saw her she talked about how much she loved me, "I sure do love you, you know", and also about how sorry she was for being such a burden. I tried to explain to her that she was never a burden. I wish I had better words then, had I known that it would be the last time I would talk to her. She was so tired and weak, and she fell asleep while my sister and I were there. We decided that it was best not to wake her to say goodbye, she needed her rest. And so we quietly left while she napped. I wish I could go back and wake her up and say goodbye properly! That is selfish of me, I suppose, to want to be able to ease these feelings of regret. It's so very important to make the time and let the people who we love know that they are important to us. It's not a burden to care for the people who care for us!!
I miss her!!!! <3
All that stuff came down within a 6 month period. I find myself in a constant state of hesitation, unsure how to proceed because I am hyper aware of the universe's current fondness for shitting all over my life. I waffle between wanting to stay in the safety of my bed where the outside can't hurt me, and running outside and shrieking at the sky that "I am not quite broken yet, So why don't you show me what you've really got!"
Instead, I do neither of those things. I get up every day and I go to work. I spend time with people who make me smile. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I am finding that I manage to make it through each day without life altering incident and go to bed at night satisfied with the current ebb and flow of my life.
While my previous relationship did not result in a life long marriage as anticipated, the ending of it did teach me a lot about what I can and cannot accept from my partner and showed me that I deserve to be treated with respect and honesty and no less.
Maybe I am not going to be a mommy, not now anyway, but thinking that I was going to has shown me that at some point I do want a family of my own, including a little rug rat with all my attitude (and maybe all this frizzy red hair, haha!). But I can wait for that. For when the time is just right.
I miss my Gammy terribly. But she lived a long life (88 years) and now she is no longer suffering. She is with my Papa, the love of her life.
Life is the pits sometimes. That's OK. Things change. We adapt. Just keep swimming and all that.