Thursday, September 27, 2012

Haters gonna hate

I am going to preface this post by saying that I am not a soulless, insensitive asshole. At least not all the time (only the days that I get out of bed on the left side... oh wait, that is every day). However, I am certain that my opinion on the following topic is not going to win me any fans. Proceed at your own risk.

A while back I ventured into the tumblr universe. I did this because my thought process went something like this:

"I like funny gifs"
"I has blog"
"I wonder where other funny blogs live?"
"I have friends with tumblr blogs"
"Maybe I should check out the tumblr"

And I did. And it was good. Sorta, aside from the overwhelming amount of posts dedicated to Harry Potter. I even hypothesized that tumblr is run by a giant Harry Potter powered engine.  

Lately I have noticed a disturbing trend on tumblr. Every sad, weepy, hormonal tween in the world is posting about how awful their lives are and as a result they have to have an eating disorder, cut themselves, or worse yet, contemplate suicide.


I am blaming this on Demi Lovato.

Why am I blaming Demi Lovato? Well that is easy, it's because I find her to be a whiny, pity party fueled, trainwreck.

To listen to her talk on any of her recent talk show appearances you would expect her to have the WORST life ever. She must have parents who hate her, no friends, weigh a thousand pounds and be a hideous troll with 3 eyeballs and a peg leg. That would be a justifiable reason to hate yourself enough to cut and have an eating disorder and contemplate suicide.

 I bet she looks like this and strangers throw eggs at her!

What? What do you mean that she is gorgeous and talented and thin? She has a great family? This can't be right......

What the fuck?!  I want to punch this girl in the face. It must really suck being so beautiful and wealthy and talented and surrounded by people who love you. I would probably want to kill myself too. It's a rough life for Demi. 

So now all these young impressionable people who idolize Demi Lovato are sitting around and thinking to themselves "Well if she is so perfect and she still thinks that offing herself would make the world a better place, what the hell am I still doing breathing air?! I better go post all over the internet what a disappointing waste of flesh I am".

And then those sad, social rejects post this sort of drivel alllllllll over tumblr:

Oh jeeeeeeeeeez, just knock it off already. It has been my experience in life that people who cry big soggy tears about how depressed and suicidal they are, are really only trying to get attention. These people are drama queens. When you put your sad bastard insecurities on display on the internet you are TRYING to get people to pay attention to you. I should know, I post a whole lot of my dirty laundry and insecurities on my blog and I am the biggest attention whore of them all. Look at me!!

I am not judging.

Ok, yes I am. Oopsie.

But my point in this; If you are TRULY depressed and harming yourself or thinking that suicide sounds like a fun thing GET HELP!!!!  Posting about it to strangers on the internet is not going to fix you.  The only thing that will probably fix you is a Hello Kitty band aid, a hamburger and some Prozac. Call a therapist. I have a great one that I highly recommend.

Now, if you are not truly, clinically messed up.... please just stop it already. People will like you more if you talk about rainbows and sunshine and peanut butter cookies and less about how worthless you think you are in an attempt to fish for compliments and reassurance that you are super fantastic. It gets really tiresome when you constantly have to be someone's ego bump.

On a serious note- I do not take suicide, depression, eating disorders or self mutilation lightly. I am just saying that I am pretty sure that 90% of the people who are waxing poetic about it on tumblr, to the tune of 87 gifs of crying eyes a day, are probably not going hungry, cutting themselves except maybe while shaving, or thinking about tying a rope around their neck. They just need a hug or something... and some vitamin D.

The moral of this story is- Sometimes life sucks. But let's not be ridiculous and overly dramatic, okay? Okay. Unless of course you are going to use funny pictures to illustrate your sorrows, therefor making them less serious and finding the humor in even your shittiest life experiences.  It evens out that way. Wait, don't do that.... that's my thing ;)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Yes, my initals are BJ.... but keep your pants on for just a minute

I actually wrote this over a year ago, and it has been sitting in draft status for that long. It made me giggle. I remember exactly who this was directed at.... a hoe-beast of a "friend" who was just jelly of my fabulous lifestyle and was always trying to put me down by "joking" with me about the guys I was dating. I don't have to sleep with a man to get his attention, but I am glad that works for some ;p

Open letter to my friends who should actually know me better by now:

I am not promiscuous.  I don't jump from bed to bed on a desperate self-esteem train wreck of a quest to make myself feel loved and pretty.  I know that I am loved, and about 4 days of the week (usually Thursday-Sunday) I feel pretty.  I don't have anything to prove by dropping my panties for every guy that comes along. Unless... do you think that will make me feel pretty the other 3 days of the week?? 

Anyway, I am getting really really tired, and grouchy, about the hooker jokes.  I get it, it's strange for me to not have a boyfriend. It is strange to see me date guys without having any level of exclusivity.  But just because I have been on a few dates does not mean that I have slept with every guy, or any of them for that matter!  Good lord. I am way too busy for that! And picky. Much too picky.

 So knock it off already!


River rafting, like a boss!

Oh yeah, I have totally river rafted before. Bunches of times. Look! (old rafting pictures circa 2009)

The booze gets it's very own raft!

 It's a lazy float down the Sacramento River, no skill needed

Until some drunk chick (moi) jumps in to cool off and is so greased up with sunscreen that she can't pull her slimy body back into the raft. Then, skill would be helpful.

For Labor Day weekend some friends suggested that we go river rafting. Naturally I was all for it, I am like a professional floater. I was even more excited when they told me that we wouldn't be doing the standard Sacramento river float. We were going to go serious river rafting on the Trinity river just west of Weaverville. WooHooo!!!!!

I wasn't quite sure what to expect since I had never been on a "serious" rafting trip before. All I was told was that it was going to cost me $67 (Yikes! I better get a tiny oar dipped in gold key chain for that price!) and that I had to wear "river sandals", no flip flops allowed.

Firstly, "river sandals" are not very attractive. I was irritated that I had to purchase special footwear for a trip that was already going to cost me almost $70, but off to Sports Authority I went. I found a somewhat less hideous version of Tevas, paid $25 for them, and prayed that I would have another excuse to wear them ever.  As I was walking back to my car I thought briefly about how owning such a pair of sandals almost dictates that I should drive a Subaru and eat lots of granola. And possibly stop shaving my legs. 

Never mind... I never want to wear them again. I like my smooth legs and cheerios for breakfast.

I met up with Candace and Aaron and Josh that morning to head out. We needed to be at the raft rental place by 2:00. The drive was uneventful, aside from crazy motorists, but that's normal. 

 Does anyone else remember this cartoon??

Once we arrived we were handed life jackets and told to sign in and pay our fees. I was handed a life jacket by an older gentleman with a long white ponytail. He seemed nice enough. Once I attempted to put on the life jacket I realized there was a problem. It was like 87 sizes too large for me. Clearly, old man time thought I was fat. Jerk. I politely asked for a life vest that wouldn't slip over my head in the event that I fall in the water. I wasn't super interested in drowning that day. 

Sporting my properly fitting life jacket. Let's go!

Now, there aren't very many pictures of the trip, except for the ones that the rafting company takes of you going through "Hell Hole". None of us wanted to risk getting our cameras or phones wet. But I will assure you that it was a beautiful trip down the river. The water was cold but refreshing. There were a couple slow and calm spots that were ideal for beer drinking, and Aaron and I took full advantage of that.   Our guide, Matt, who was gorgeous by the way, gave us all very good instructions and we managed to travel the river with little incident. Except for that whole part about left hand turns that Aaron and I clearly did not pay attention during since when he shouted "Left Turn!!" we both just looked at each other as though we knew we should be doing something specific but could not remember what it was. Candace and Josh were better students and knew exactly what they were supposed to do which resulted in us spinning in a circle, haha!

There was a short stop at some tall rocks that everyone jumped off of except for me. I don't do heights. No way Jose. But it looked like fun. I just lived vicariously through everyone else. Another short break for chips and dip and more beers. And then it was time to get really wet!


TA-DA!!!  We didn't die!  It was so much fun! About 4 minutes after we emerged from Hell Hole Candace commented that she felt something on her foot. Imagine our surprise when she goes to reach down and finds a snake wrapped around her foot!!  EEEEEEEEKKKKK!  Thankfully Josh grabbed it quickly and tossed it out of the raft. Snakes are not my friend. Gross.

We made it back to the office alive. Soggy, but no worse for wear. We had a good laugh over all the pictures and made a quick stop for pizza at the "Straw House" restaurant across the street. The pizza was, I highly recommend it. We had some chicken pesto goodness that was to die for. We made it back to Redding a little after 9pm. I have never slept so soundly.

A giant thank you to the staff at Trinity River Rafting and Serendipity Snapshots for a fun time and the pictures to prove we did it!

Seriously, you should go now. Do it. Ask for Matt, he is yummy. You're welcome ;) Oh wait, I was told some story about how he was being tossed into a volcano the next day, he may not be available anymore....... bummer.

Monday, September 17, 2012

So far, 2012 can suck my junk

This has been a trying year. I had very high hopes for 2012 and so far none of the things I was hoping for have come to fruition.
 Oh if only it were over already

I have had more than enough heartache to last me a couple years or more. My year so far in recap:

I am not getting married anymore. Sometimes people are just not capable of being decent and honest. It hurts when you realize that you've spent so much time making excuses for someone and gave them so many chances to hurt you again and again. And then there is the humiliation that comes along with it when EVERYONE you know is saying "Oh you didn't know that? We all knew that" and they look at you with sympathy all over their face. I HATE people feeling sorry for me. Ew. I hate being played even more though. Sometimes I just want to kick someone (him) in the nards. I am sure that would make me feel better.

I was pregnant. Not for long though.  While I was, I was scared out of my mind. I am not ready to be a parent by any stretch of the imagination. But once I allowed myself to take some deep breaths and calm the fuck down.... I kind of liked the idea. I was going to be a mommy! I could groom my spawn into an awesome little person! I would have someone to love unconditionally and would love me unconditionally in return. And then it was gone. And it hurt so badly. It's stupid really.... I mean, I spent the better part of the last 19 years saying that I never wanted children. So why should I care so much? Who knows why.... but I did. I do. I guess these things happen when they are supposed to and when they are not, they don't.

Do you think they make a "parenting for Dummies" book??

I lost my best friend. I miss her. When all this shit came raining down on me I wanted so badly to call her. And of course I couldn't. She is basically only cordial to me anymore, for reasons that she feels validated in having. And that's fine. But I feel like we both did wrong and I was hoping to mend fences. I guess I am the only one. I will continue to be optimistic.


My body has staged a mutiny against me. I had some serious complications after the baby that drained about 4 weeks off my life and caused some awful pain and more follow up appointments than I care to count. Thankfully, I believe that as far as my reproductive parts are concerned, I am back to normal. Unfortunately now my back has decided to cause constant, and almost unbearable at times, pain.  Three Chiropractor appointments a week and an MRI and there is still no measurable improvement or projected time frame for relief :( Boooooooo.

My Gammy died. My heart hurts. The last time I saw her she talked about how much she loved me, "I sure do love you, you know", and also about how sorry she was for being such a burden.  I tried to explain to her that she was never a burden. I wish I had better words then, had I known that it would be the last time I would talk to her. She was so tired and weak, and she fell asleep while my sister and I were there. We decided that it was best not to wake her to say goodbye, she needed her rest. And so we quietly left while she napped. I wish I could go back and wake her up and say goodbye properly! That is selfish of me, I suppose, to want to be able to ease these feelings of regret. It's so very important to make the time and let the people who we love know that they are important to us. It's not a burden to care for the people who care for us!!

 I miss her!!!! <3

All that stuff came down within a 6 month period. I find myself in a constant state of hesitation, unsure how to proceed because I am hyper aware of the universe's current fondness for shitting all over my life. I waffle between wanting to stay in the safety of my bed where the outside can't hurt me, and running outside and shrieking at the sky that "I am not quite broken yet, So why don't you show me what you've really got!"

Instead, I do neither of those things. I get up every day and I go to work. I spend time with people who make me smile. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I am finding that I manage to make it through each day without life altering incident and go to bed at night satisfied with the current ebb and flow of my life.

Silver linings:

While my previous relationship did not result in a life long marriage as anticipated, the ending of it did teach me a lot about what I can and cannot accept from my partner and showed me that I deserve to be treated with respect and honesty and no less. 

Maybe I am not going to be a mommy, not now anyway, but thinking that I was going to has shown me that at some point I do want a family of my own, including a little rug rat with all my attitude (and maybe all this frizzy red hair, haha!). But I can wait for that. For when the time is just right.

I miss my Gammy terribly. But she lived a long life (88 years) and now she is no longer suffering. She is with my Papa, the love of her life.

Life is the pits sometimes. That's OK. Things change. We adapt. Just keep swimming and all that.