Wednesday, August 15, 2012

50 shades of embarrassment for having read this book

I made the mistake of asking for book recommendations recently. I say mistake because I must have temporarily forgotten that I don't really have the same taste in literature as most of my friends.

Needless to say, but I am going to say it anyway, EVERY female that I know suggested that I read Fifty Shades of Grey. Since I am intrigued by anything surrounded in so much controversy and hype, I decided to try it out. I wasn't really even sure what it was about prior to picking it up.

It was awful. It was so awful it was painful. In fact, as I am typing the word awful, I am rolling my eyes and groaning.

My first complaint is that the book is poorly written. It's as if the author only had a small list of adjectives to choose from and had to rotate them often. By the end, if I had to read the phrase "my inner goddess" one more time, I was going to throw that book out the window! The author would be well served to keep a thesaurus and dictionary on the desk during her next attempt. I do not proclaim to be the best writer ever, I am not, but I am also not published.

My second complaint is that, in my opinion, the book is undoing about 80 years of progress when it comes to the feminist movement for equality.

 Rosie the Riveter is very disappointed in you, Anastasia Steele

The book is about a man who wants to make a 22 year old virgin sign a contract that basically allows him to have control over her entire life and punish her, physically, when she steps out of bounds of his warped idea of acceptable behavior.  Lets put aside the degrading sex portion of the story (I'll get to that in a moment) and instead focus on the fact that this man, Christian, can have ANY woman that he wants. Instead he picks a sweet, innocent, doesn't know any better really, girl to manipulate and control. He wants to tell her how to dress, how to style her hair, what hair she should wax off (OW!!), what she should drive, how often she should eat, who she can socialize with and where, etc etc. He is a repulsive man. I speak from experience here. Maybe there was never any signed contract and he was not the most handsome man ever described, but I have had my share of time, which was WAY TOO LONG, with someone who was equally controlling and manipulative and who seemed to enjoy the physical punishment when I stepped out of line. Over sharing? Eh.... it's my blog. And I feel like it's important to say that no part of the behavior described by the author should be marketed as an ideal situation that sad lonely women should sit at home and fantasize about. The opposite should be the case. You should feel so badly for the protagonist, Anna, that if she were your friend in real life you would send her to the nearest women's shelter for hiding and counseling. 

My third and final complaint is just..... well, it's just that I am really really REALLY creeped out by all my friends recommending this book so enthusiastically. I don't wanna know that you all get all moist over the idea of spanking and being tied up. That's just the tame stuff. I am now convinced that every single woman who recommended that book to me wants it in the ass, like, on the regular,  and.... and..... ew.

What's wrong with normal, every day, run of the mill sex? Maybe I am doing it wrong. I am all for a little spanking and hair pulling (yes please, actually), but for reals if you have an entire room in your house that is referred to as "The red room of pain", you don't get to come near me. Ever. I like to feel good, not be made to cry in pain. Sex should never involve a safe word. Seriously, good Lord. If you hurt me in any way, I will punch you in the balls. Then we will see who is crying. If this makes me too "vanilla", then so be it. I like vanilla. Lots of people like vanilla. Obviously not my friends who think Fifty Shades of Grey is the best book they have ever read. Clearly those friends are weirdo perverts. I will stick with vanilla, maybe throw some sprinkles, whip cream and a cherry on top for special occasions.

My kind of sex

So there you go. That is what I thought of Fifty Shades of Grey.  Oh! I forgot to mention.... did anyone else think it was bizarre how the author could spend 4 pages describing how Christian looked in a pair of ripped jeans (granted, it sounded vaguely hot) but somehow managed to condense the birth of their child into two short, concise paragraphs? Maybe that was just me,expecting an actual story and not just long drawn out sex scenes told the same way over and over and over again. Silly me. That's what I get for reading a New York Times Best Seller. 

Side note- I am hyper aware of the fact that I just admitted to liking being spanked and having my hair pulled on the internet. I am so grateful at this moment that my dad does not even know how to turn the computer on, let alone navigate the interwebs to my blog. And mom.... Sorry!

"Seduce my mind, and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever", Anonymous


  1. The Beauty of a Prolapsed UterusAugust 16, 2012 at 12:01 AM

    Regarding your complaints: I believe the explanation to much of this is similar to the explanation for a great number of seemingly mind boggling pieces of the human component of the universe. It is simply that the masses are... simple. They are not intellectuals, scholars, or individuals who think independently. This doesn't necessarily mean that they want to experience the activities in the book (although I'm sure that may apply to some ;)), but rather that they enjoy a simple, erotic read which causes a primal, mental stimulation and are blind to the fact that it's poorly written and socially backwards. There is also the 'socially acceptable' component here. Everyone is reading it so not only does that make it 'acceptable' despite the subject matter, it makes it something to do which will allow one to relate to all the others who read it - Jumping on the bandwagon. Or maybe I'm way off and everyone is driven to such fantasies because they are horribly bored with their sex lives. OR, better yet, the state of parenting and quality of life has degenerated to the point where a large number of women are actually this nuts and I should start wearing a bondage mask in public to see if they will swarm me like flies on shit. Regardless, I agree with your comments.

    Vanilla sex is fantastic...IF both parties involved make an effort, IF they care about each other, IF there is some feeling behind it...etc. If you consider the state of relationships these days... rate of divorce... choices people make... I bet a large number of sexual encounters are between people who aren't really happy with each other. In that situation, will serious effort be made? Is there feeling behind it? Or will it be extremely basic, boring vanilla sex where the woman will be left severely unsatisfied? Perhaps said woman, instead of having the proper realization that she's with the wrong guy, will instead fantasize about all kinds of stupid shit because sex as she knows it is hella lame. Put her in a room with the right man who is up for the task and suddenly that book will probably seem more like a waste of time than a fantasy.

    Ooh, just thought of another one - level of physical attraction. Do you ever think about how BAD a large part of the population looks? With rampant obesity, poor personal hygiene, and sometimes plain ol' bad luck - people are gross. Can you envision two gross people having an amazing time with vanilla sex? They need something different... something off the wall... because then they can focus on the fact that they are about to do something wild and kinky and they don't need to think about how gross the person they are about to interact with actually is.

    I should stop now before I come up with six more politically incorrect and/or offensive theories.

    Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this response are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of any agency of the U.S. government and/or plumbers union. Examples of analysis performed within this article are only examples. They should not be utilized in real-world analytic products as they are based only on very limited and dated open source information. Assumptions made within the analysis are not reflective of the position of any U.S. government entity and/or plumbers union.

    PS: There's nothing wrong with a woman that wants it in the ass... at least once in a while ;)

    1. This is the best comment EVAR! Much better than my original post. How dare you show me up this way! Especially because I have no idea who this is.

      P.s. Anyone who utilizes the word "hella" is alright in my book ;)

  2. A lot of anal sex talk here.... Becky, are you working on a follow up book called Fifty Shades of Brown?

    1. Gross!! There are a lot of anal scenarios in that book. I wish it weren't so, but it's true.

      I am patiently awaiting your follow up to my post :p

  3. Hahahaha... OMG! You are too much! I Just came across your blog and enjoyed reading this post. Thanks for the heads up! you pretty much sumed it up! Thanks for sparing me the time!

    1. Awwwww, thanks for the love :) Glad you enjoyed the post and yeah, definitely steer clear of this book if you value your time. haha!

  4. hmm. Well clearly we don't have the same kind of taste in books and movies, but that's ok. I will agree with you on the writing, it wasn't the best but for a person like me who is getting their master's Degree in's a brain- less read in a sea of insanely complicated reading assignments. Also for me, who has been married to the same non-adventurous man for the last 14 years, well momma needed some action and the visual eye-candy (albeit cheesy sometimes) was a nice distraction. Your review of it was dead-on in some places and hysterical, as usual, over all.