50 shades of embarrassment for having read this book

I made the mistake of asking for book recommendations recently. I say mistake because I must have temporarily forgotten that I don't really have the same taste in literature as most of my friends.

Needless to say, but I am going to say it anyway, EVERY female that I know suggested that I read Fifty Shades of Grey. Since I am intrigued by anything surrounded in so much controversy and hype, I decided to try it out. I wasn't really even sure what it was about prior to picking it up.

It was awful. It was so awful it was painful. In fact, as I am typing the word awful, I am rolling my eyes and groaning.

My first complaint is that the book is poorly written. It's as if the author only had a small list of adjectives to choose from and had to rotate them often. By the end, if I had to read the phrase "my inner goddess" one more time, I was going to throw that book out the window! The author would be well served to keep a thesaurus and dictionary on the desk during her next attempt. I do not proclaim to be the best writer ever, I am not, but I am also not published.

My second complaint is that, in my opinion, the book is undoing about 80 years of progress when it comes to the feminist movement for equality.

 Rosie the Riveter is very disappointed in you, Anastasia Steele

The book is about a man who wants to make a 22 year old virgin sign a contract that basically allows him to have control over her entire life and punish her, physically, when she steps out of bounds of his warped idea of acceptable behavior.  Lets put aside the degrading sex portion of the story (I'll get to that in a moment) and instead focus on the fact that this man, Christian, can have ANY woman that he wants. Instead he picks a sweet, innocent, doesn't know any better really, girl to manipulate and control. He wants to tell her how to dress, how to style her hair, what hair she should wax off (OW!!), what she should drive, how often she should eat, who she can socialize with and where, etc etc. He is a repulsive man. I speak from experience here. Maybe there was never any signed contract and he was not the most handsome man ever described, but I have had my share of time, which was WAY TOO LONG, with someone who was equally controlling and manipulative and who seemed to enjoy the physical punishment when I stepped out of line. Over sharing? Eh.... it's my blog. And I feel like it's important to say that no part of the behavior described by the author should be marketed as an ideal situation that sad lonely women should sit at home and fantasize about. The opposite should be the case. You should feel so badly for the protagonist, Anna, that if she were your friend in real life you would send her to the nearest women's shelter for hiding and counseling. 

My third and final complaint is just..... well, it's just that I am really really REALLY creeped out by all my friends recommending this book so enthusiastically. I don't wanna know that you all get all moist over the idea of spanking and being tied up. That's just the tame stuff. I am now convinced that every single woman who recommended that book to me wants it in the ass, like, on the regular,  and.... and..... ew.

What's wrong with normal, every day, run of the mill sex? Maybe I am doing it wrong. I am all for a little spanking and hair pulling (yes please, actually), but for reals if you have an entire room in your house that is referred to as "The red room of pain", you don't get to come near me. Ever. I like to feel good, not be made to cry in pain. Sex should never involve a safe word. Seriously, good Lord. If you hurt me in any way, I will punch you in the balls. Then we will see who is crying. If this makes me too "vanilla", then so be it. I like vanilla. Lots of people like vanilla. Obviously not my friends who think Fifty Shades of Grey is the best book they have ever read. Clearly those friends are weirdo perverts. I will stick with vanilla, maybe throw some sprinkles, whip cream and a cherry on top for special occasions.

My kind of sex

So there you go. That is what I thought of Fifty Shades of Grey.  Oh! I forgot to mention.... did anyone else think it was bizarre how the author could spend 4 pages describing how Christian looked in a pair of ripped jeans (granted, it sounded vaguely hot) but somehow managed to condense the birth of their child into two short, concise paragraphs? Maybe that was just me,expecting an actual story and not just long drawn out sex scenes told the same way over and over and over again. Silly me. That's what I get for reading a New York Times Best Seller. 

Side note- I am hyper aware of the fact that I just admitted to liking being spanked and having my hair pulled on the internet. I am so grateful at this moment that my dad does not even know how to turn the computer on, let alone navigate the interwebs to my blog. And mom.... Sorry!

"Seduce my mind, and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever", Anonymous