I just moved into my own place. My very first place all on my own. I have always lived with someone else, either a roommate or the man in my life. I have never lived alone. But now I do, I am a big girl!!
I googled "big girl" hoping for a banner or a shiny star for being a big kid.... and instead I got this. Since I had to look at it, so do you. Whoa.... just whoa.
I know that I should be totally excited about it. I should be running around naked, or at least in my undies, and being glad that no one is around to care. I should be happy that I can make a mess and not have to answer to anyone about it. Except for myself... my OCD doesn't let the mess stick around long, but knowing that I could make a mess should be exciting.
Just googling pictures of "mess" gave me anxiety!
Instead of running around in my undies and making a mess, I am sitting around and staring at the wall and being..... lonely. I don't think I like this. I have been really thinking hard about what my problem is, why I can't get out of this funk and enjoy my "me" time. So far, all I have come up with is that I resent the reason I am here.
I went from being in love and engaged and living in a gorgeous house to being angry and alone and having to move out on my own. It's a generally accepted rule that once you break up one of you has to move out. And it was me.
Soooooooo, here I am. Sitting on my new couch, in my new apartment with all my new stuff. I am wishing I had some really exciting plans tonight so that I wouldn't just be sitting here. But I guess I better get used to being by my lonesome, it's too expensive to stay busy all the time. It's moments like this that I wish my birds could talk.
Aside from the fact that I dislike the reason I had to move into this apartment, I am just not used to living alone. I am used to having someone around to share meals with, to watch TV with. It just feels too quiet here.
I am going to be a trooper about this. I am going to make myself live here alone for a minimum of 6 months. Then if I still hate the quiet I am going to find a roommate. Probably off Craigslist. Most likely the Craigslist killer and I will end up buried in the backyard. Or maybe I will just find Jennifer Jason Leigh.