Monday, July 30, 2012

I feel more like PG-13

But I am working on it ;)


Overheard and embarrassed for you

Have you ever been standing near to someone in a public place and overheard a conversation that you really REALLY should not have heard?  Oh yeah, that happened to me today. Now that I think about it, I am less certain that I shouldn't have heard the conversation and more certain that the people should not have been having it in public at all. Oy!

I literally overhead a couple arguing about how she goes down on him all the time but he never.... returns the favor.

I waffled between wanting to sink into the floor and turning around and staring right at them as they talked.

And then I did a complete 180 and wanted to give my two cents for that poor neglected woman who has obviously been neglected for a while.

Seriously though, some conversations are best kept in the bedroom.

AND on a almost as serious note..... boys, you really need to return the favor. Really. I vote that girls just start forgetting the art of the BJ unless they are being repaid on the regular.

Ok, are we clear? Crystal? Awesome. My job here is done.

Oh you silly, silly boy

When did guys become needy, whiny, emotional basket cases?  Isn't that something that women have the market on? Not me personally, (at least not 3 out of 4 weeks of the month) but I know some seriously looney tunes chicks. I love them, some are my friends, but they are Cray-zay.

It seems lately that I have dealt with more than one man having some sort of emotional inner turmoil that is forcing him to act like a complete vagina. I want to say to these men "Are you bleeding right now? Take a midol and calm the fuck down".

There is this one guy in particular who has developed a little bit of a crush (and by crush I mean obsession) on one of my best friends. I don't blame him, she is gorgeous and funny and smart and has her shit together. That's why I keep her around. Dude has seriously started acting a fool though.

First of all he is married. Yep, as in has a wife. I don't imagine that his wife would like that he is making an ass of himself by throwing himself at my friend. He says they are getting a divorce.... but you know. Guys say a lot of stuff. If you aren't actually divorced yet and still living together, it doesn't count.

Secondly, even if he weren't married, my friend is just not into him. Which she tried to make clear on more than one occasion. He won't give up, it's as if he is blinded by her glow.  My friend and I have had quite a few laughs at his expense. Is it mean? A little, but he makes it so easy.

Last weekend, however, I was not laughing at his most recent antics.Cringing was more like it. I almost feel bad for him now.

I was with some friends and we stopped in at a bar downtown to get a drink. The creeper, as he shall be referred to from now on, happened to be working the door there. So I waved and said hi, the polite thing to do. He waved back. That was the entire extent of our contact for the evening. I spent the rest of the night sitting with friends, laughing and having a good time and NOT talking or interacting with the creeper in any fashion.

So imagine my surprise when I got a text from my friend the next day saying that the creeper had texted her in the middle of the night to tell her that he had "turned Becky down".

Whaaaaaaaaat??  Oh it was just too good. He turned me down? Really? And what? He thought that if he told my friend that that she would be jealous or.... something? I have no clue what his motivation was, but it was a silly silly thing to do. Important notes:

1)  EW! The creeper is so not my type.

2) Even if he were my type, I have a pretty strict rule about not hitting on married men. Or men who are unavailable in general.

3) And most importantly, GIRL FRIENDS TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING! Did he really not think that she would mention his claim to me? And when she called him on it, after she verified with me that it was all hogwash, he still had the nerve to insist it had happened. As if she would believe him over me. Gross.

When did this man turn into a manipulative, scheming girl? I get it that his marriage is falling apart (so he says) and he found a bright shiny star in my friend to make him smile. But seriously..... What was his big plan? I am curious to know how he would have handled any future meetings between us had his lie been believed by my friend. Did he think I would just play along, like a good sport? What a douche.

The moral of this story is that creepers should never, ever ever EVER, try to win girls by using their friends as tools of manipulation. Why? Because we are smarter than you, asshole. And we talk to each other, a lot. Duh.

This past week I ran into the creeper again. He at least had the decency to apologize and blame the whole "misunderstanding" on the fact that he had been drinking and texting, which we all know to be a very bad combination.

I politely accepted his apology, but made a mental note to refrain from waving or saying hi, or being pleasant to any man ever again because they obviously are getting the wrong idea.

Some boys are really dumb. The end.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Brighter than the sun!!! Or: Eat your heart out, Mr. Smug.

You always want what you can't have. It's basically a fact. I want straight hair because I have been cursed with the most horrific mop of frizzy curls you can imagine:
PROOF. So icky

Women with ginormous boobs want smaller ones because of back pain (or something stupid like that), but small chested women want ginormous boobs because boys will like us then. The more back pain they cause, the better! Wait, this is a terrible example because if women want ginormous boobs and have the available cash, they can have them. Sorry.

We all want world peace.... but lets be honest, if we finally got it we would be a little bored. Right? Right? (Just kidiiiiiing)

Anyway, I am way off track of where I was going with this. 


Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl. They met when his family moved in next door to hers. The became very good friends. They remained very good friends for many years (18 years to be exact). Over the course of those years the boy declared his affection for the girl on a fairly regular basis. It didn't matter where they were at in life. It happened once while still in High School, living next door to each other. It happened again while he was in the service. It happened again when he was out of the service and living in San Diego. And again after that when he was living in Sacramento, and most recently on about 4 different occasions since he has been living back in good old Redding California. Not quite next door neighbors anymore, but definitely still in each others backyard, so to speak.

The girl always had varied reasons for politely declining his advances. Mostly they came down to "I value our friendship more than a possible failed attempt at anything more". And that would be that, for about 6 months until the boy would get brave and try again. He was persistent if nothing else. Persistent isn't even the right word, relentless is better.

The girl told the boy more than once " I worry that it is more about the chase. You have tried for so long that you don't know what else to do. I am afraid you will be disappointed". To which he scoffed. According to him they were soul mates. Other women paled in comparison and if she would just take a chance, it would all be downhill and happily-ever-afters from then on.
"If anyone has earned the right to love you it is me", said the boy. He said that he would never stop trying if there was any chance at all. There was even a joke, a code word. "Vegas".... if said, he would whisk her off to Vegas to get hitched. So true was his love for her.

Did the girl wake up one day and realize that she had been a fool all along? Of course she did. It wouldn't be a truly good tale of young love if she didn't. She realized and she went running to him with open arms (like an idiot! Foreshadowing??? hmmmmmm). She told him that she had always felt the same way about him but had been scared to hurt their friendship. She told him that she was ready to try out Happily-Ever-After with him.

And less than 4 weeks later he sat her down and told her "Hey, ya know how I've loved you foreeeevvver and basically worn you down to the point of having to say yes to me or leaving the country and changing your name?  Welllll, the thing is, you're doing it wrong. I'm not gonna tell you how, I'm just gonna let it hang out there like a riddle. Peace out".

Ok, that isn't exactly how he said it. But that is exactly how it came across. What he really said was "This just isn't going the way I want. There are certain things that I need that aren't happening. I can't tell you what they are, because they should just be happening organically, not because you know it is what I want".  He even followed it up with a very sincere "We will still be who we have always been. If you need a friend to take you to the hospital at 3am, call me".  So awesome.

No sir, she will not be calling you at 3am to take her to the hospital. She would rather die. She pointed out to him that it really is true, that you always want what you can't have, to which he (surprisingly) admitted to being partially true. Thank you for at least partially owning up to being a typical jerk guy.

Oh, and if you haven't figured it out yet, that is me, I am the girl. And that boy is just somebody that I used to know. Oh Gotye..... you and that stupid song.

Maybe it was all just a big joke.... waiting all these years and pressuring me until I finally broke down and poured my heart out just to say "Psych! I totally got you!".

Well played, sir. Well played.

I am a nice girl. I am shiny and happy and awesome! I am going to continue to be shiny and happy and awesome. SO shiny and awesome in fact, that you will have to shield your eyes from the awesomeness. And it will be really entertaining to watch him realize what he pushed away. But then again, it will only be that he wants me back because he can't have me. It's a vicious cycle really. One that I am all to happy to finally break.

So what is my plan of action? Well screw all this feeling feelings bullshizz. So over that. For the foreseeable future I am going to be using men to satisfy my sexual needs only, as God intended. That's not really true. That's not my style. But I am going to pretend for a while anyway, haha!

Peace out.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Camping is good for the soul, but not good for my hair

I love to camp! I don't mind getting dirty, in fact, I think it is a great excuse to go a couple days without washing my hair or shaving my legs.I'm like a dirty, camping wildebeest!
Sexy, yeah?? 

Last weekend I went camping with some good friends. We didn't go far, just to the lake outside of town.  We were lucky to find one of those boat-in campsites that wasn't already full.  We got there pretty early in the day with high hopes of getting everything set up prior to it being ridiculously hot out. Unfortunately, we didn't make it. By the time we scouted out the space, and then went back across the lake to get the camping gear and then took it back it was already after noon and hotter than the surface of the sun.

 There were no lake camels though

The lake is pretty low right now and after 4 trips back and forth to the boat tied up at the water I was melting and miserable. It was definitely time for swimming and beer. 
Sadly, there must have been a lot of beer, because the rest of the afternoon is a bit hazy. The good news ( I think) is that Aaron brought his camera and managed to save these moments for ever. 

That floaty only ended up halfway inflated. 

 Our captain!

He has tricks!

Gang signs?
Definitely do not remember getting felt up :p


The longer I stayed in the water, the less opportunity for sun burn

 More Tricks!

 We for sure needed MORE beer



 My favorite tall friend!
 Head rubbing for good luck? What's going on here?

 Coming down to our level

 Getting felt up AGAIN. Lake + beer + sun= Hussy

 Pretty much my favorite girl :)

 She works ouuuuuuut!
 And she shoots things! Watch out!

 Give a hoot, don't pollute! And recycle :)

 Group cheesin!

 For some reason we liked this stick....

 Polka dots are the height of camping fashion

 That pretty (awful) hair is courtesy of lake water and spray sunscreen. It took me 45 minutes to brush it out :/

 Squishing my head. We are nothing if we are not mature

 Aaron was having an awful time

 The stopped bickering for two seconds to smile ;p


 I feel pretty.... oh so pretty.....

Luckily, there were no pictures from the second day of camping :p One day of drunken lake shenanigans seems like enough.

The only downside to the camp trip was no running water bathrooms. I don't mean to sound like a priss, but I really have a hard time with outhouses. I would rather pee behind a bush, and if the opportunity presents itself, I do. Unfortunately there were people camped close enough to us that peeing in the bushes was out of the question. Dang it!!

The stuff of nightmares

All in all, it was a successful camping trip, as evidenced by my sunburn, dreadlocks and hangover. Can't wait to go again!! :)

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Everyone should have a daily reminder of their humiliation and shame. YAY!

Shout out to The Knot! Thank you so much for continuing to cram my email inbox full to the brim with helpful wedding tips and suggestions for a wedding that I am no longer planning. Apparently my repeated attempts to remove myself from your mailing list have been futile. I suppose I will just look forward to the day in the future when I might be planning a wedding again, and at that time your incessant emailing will become welcome again and not be a painful reminder of my giant failure.
Keep up the good work!

High five!!