Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I went directly to page 42.... just like a dumb ass

The good thing about those "Choose your own Adventure" books is that even if you make the wrong choice and end up in the Alligator pit, there are no long term, real life consequences. You just say "Oh shit", and then close the book and go about your life. You aren't literally in an Alligator pit and facing a slow death of sharp teeth and claws.

So here I am, treading water. Hoping that the Alligators don't get my toes and searching for a life preserver. I did it to myself. I knew better and yet I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and walked right off the cliff.

That was a really really dumb thing to do. It was dumb for 2 reasons:

1) I knew that the person I was giving this important chance for change wouldn't, in fact, change. I KNEW it like I know that the sky is blue and that Big Foot really does exist.

All my friends and family knew it too. And despite their very prophetic warnings, I laughed in the face of impending doom and started handing out 2nd, 3rd, and 18th chance cards like they were going out of style. I'll give it to my friends and family for not tying me up and shipping me out of state to keep from doing it, they just politely told me that they support me no matter what. And then I am sure they all collectively rolled their eyes behind my back and prepared their "I told you so" speeches for later use. Bring on the speeches guys, I have earned them. I should get a shiny gold star for being the biggest idiot on the planet.  It took only about 10 minutes to realize the error of my ways. But by that point the decision had been made and so I decided to try to ride it out and see if maybe there would be some magic moment of redemption that would make me believe in him again. A moment that would make me feel like I had done the right thing. That moment never came. Not only did that moment never come, the time I spent waiting for it was peppered with various moments of new disappointment. And over the course of the last few weeks, as I have been slowly shutting down to him more and more, I realized that it wouldn't have mattered if he had done every single thing right from now til the end of eternity. What I felt for him before all the lies and all the broken promises is gone.  All I have left for him is sadness. I feel sad for him because he will probably never grow up. He will never find someone to spend his life with if he continues to treat people the way he has treated me. And one day he will wake up and realize what he had, and what he could have continued to have if only he would have thought about someone besides himself for a change. But that might be giving him too much credit, because after all, he has had this long to figure it out and hasn't managed to yet. Sadness....that is all I have left for him. And for me to, I am not immune to a little bit of self pity. But I will get over that in time. It was a very sparkly shiny happy picture for a moment, and now I just wish I could take it all back.

2) I hurt someone who has only ever been amazing to me when I acted like a dumb ass and jumped into the Alligator pit. I hurt him a lot. So now I am waiting to see if my closest and oldest friend can forgive me. It's not looking good at the moment. He speaks to me, but only begrudgingly and in as few syllables as possible. I deserve it. I deserve for him to tell me to kick rocks and never speak to me again at all. I am desperately hoping that with a little time he will come around. When I think of not having him as my friend I feel a little bit like I can't breathe. "Find that person you truly are Rebecca Jean, before the men in your life fucked you up"..... is what he said to me. And as good advice as it really is, he might as well have slapped me in the face. Let's not mince words here, tell me how fucked up you think I am. *sigh*......

So I am going to do me. No one does me like I do! I am going to make arrangements to live on my own for the first time.... ever. I have always had a roommate or lived with the man in my life. I am a little scared to be moving forward by myself. I'm worried that I am going to have way too much time on my own to sit around and think about how badly I have managed to screw up one of the only good and constant things in my life. The good news is I will also have plenty of time to think of how to best move forward and how to best be happy just being me.

Thankfully I have amazing friends and family who won't let me sit around and wallow in self pity for too long. I already am receiving strict instructions to put my sassy pants on and put a smile on my face. It won't be hard, I don't stay down for long. Things blow right now, a whole lot, but that's life. Shit happens that we don't want or expect and we just keep plugging along. I am a good person. I have a big heart. Maybe it is a big stupid heart that always wants to give people one more chance to crap all over my life, but I would rather have that than the alternative.

"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Oh no, I've got to keep on moving
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch ground
Oh no, I've got to keep on moving"

For my next trick, I am going to choose to have a happy ending. I wonder what page that is on. Here's to finding out! Cheers!

1 comment:

  1. LOVE your blogs! I think you're amazing and this friend of yours IS going to come around. It will just take a little time. Can't believe the balloons didn't work. ;)