Friday, May 25, 2012

Skip to page 42 for alligator pit

Sometimes, no matter how badly I want something, things don’t turn out according to my best laid plans.  My obsessive compulsive personality, which makes me a very organized, goal driven and analytical individual (read: control freak), is having a really difficult time just letting things go and letting God, so to speak. I don’t want to “let God”, I want to be in control of my own destiny! Not feeling like I have a say in what is going on in my life makes me feel very out of control…. And sweaty. Gross.

I am so very literal. If you tell me something, I am going to take it exactly as you say it. That is not to say that my over analytical brain doesn’t take it apart and put it back together a few times to find hidden meaning, I definitely do that. But even if I suspect a hidden meaning, I assume that if you want me to know something you would tell me, and then come back around to the beginning and accept what was said at face value.

Having said that, I am very upfront about my thoughts and feelings so as to avoid any unnecessary confusion at a later date. If I say that I do not like something, or that something makes me uncomfortable, or that something makes me angry or sad, I fully expect you to assume that I am not exaggerating, what I am saying is not superfluous, and that if I have taken the time verbalize something to you, I mean it and it is serious to me.

The problem that I am having lately is with people doing things that are in direct conflict with feelings or concerns that I have expressed to them in no uncertain terms, on more than one occasion (which is hard for me in the first place, because I really think I should only have to say something once), in a clear and well articulated manner. And then those people acting like they shouldn’t be held accountable because they must have misunderstood my feelings or opinion.

I make it so easy for you to understand what I am expecting from you that when you do the EXACT opposite I take it as a very deliberate and specific attack on me. You might as well walk up and punch me in the face. 

I have some very easy guidelines that I live by in regards to my interactions with others, whether it be with a friend or a romantic partner, so here are some tips for you to use when interacting with me:

-Treat me as you would like to be treated- Duh…. This is rule #1.

-Be honest with me. Nothing good ever came from lying. And I will always find out if you are lying to me. ALWAYS. It’s like my superhero power. So don’t waste your time because I will be more angry when I do find out the truth.

-Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear to appease me and then go along in the totally opposite direction.

-If you make me a promise, keep it.

-Do not go to bed angry. Make the phone call, reach out!!  You won’t feel any better after you’ve stewed in something. Let’s just fix it now if it is fixable.

-Make me a priority. If you are my friend or someone I am choosing to spend my time and affection on, I have already made you one of mine.

Recently, I have been dealing with a person who hasn’t followed through with any of the above “Becky handling criteria” and it hurts me. I feel like I have wasted a whole lot of time, a whole lot of energy, and a whole lot of tears. I hate to admit that, I would rather you think of me as an emotionally void cyborg who eats pain and suffering for breakfast. I hate to admit that I would allow someone to treat me in a way that is less than what I deserve, actually.  But I am assuming that we have all done it, we just roll ourselves out like a giant doormat and say “It’s alright, I am starting to like disappointment”.

And now , this person wants another chance to make things right.  And I thought that I could give it, the optimist in me wants to give it.  The realist in me is apprehensive.  Apprehensive is not the right word….. Terrified is the right word.  I have this tough, take no shit attitude down, but it is not me. I feel things probably a little more sharply than most. I am more sensitive than I let on. And that soft, squishy marshmallow peep center of me is absolutely terrified that I couldn’t take one more disappointment from this person. But I am ever the optimist, and my optimistic inner self is thinking, “but what if it really is different this time?”

I wish I had the answer, the crystal ball that would show me what would happen if I take the road west, as opposed to the road east.  I feel like I am in one of those “choose your own adventure” books and I could potentially end up in the alligator pit.  Those books are easy though, you just cheat and skip to the end. I can’t do that here.

I guess I will pray on it, that would be the “let God”, I suppose, and see what comes to me.  In the meantime, if anyone has one of those crystal balls handy, hook a sista up, alright?

1 comment:

  1. Don't even question your decision. You KNOW the right answer, so be strong! I know you don't want to hear that, but Becky, it is NOT going to change. One more time just might wreck you. Your friends are all here for USE us! I love you dearly and just want the best for you.