Anything with a penis begs to differ

This article, Five unusual turn-ons for men, was on the yahoo front page the other day. As I was reading it, it occurred to me that whoever was writing it was either completely dillusional  OR was trying to make my inner unsexy nerd feel better about herself. Thanks, I think.... I am going to prove this writer wrong in 5 easy steps. *Ahem*.......

Turn on #1- Glasses.
According to the article "Every guy loves a girl in glasses but women never seem to know that". Really??  The reason that women don't know that is because the girls in glasses that you are referring to are NOT wearing them to improve their vision, they are wearing them as a prop to enhance their hot-for-teacher Halloween costume. 

This is what guys want girls in glasses to look like:

See.... you're probably not even looking at the girl on the left

This is the reality of girls with glasses:

 That's really me.... and I will admit this is the absolute best pic of myself that I could find with my glasses on.

Turn on #2- Freckles.

Don't get me started.  This article would like for you to believe that freckles give off the illusion of "innocence" and that despite cosmetic advertising trying to eradicate every dark spot and freckle from my face,  men really secretly like them.  Psh, I don't buy it. For one, I am covered (literally, it would take forever to count them all) in freckles and I am not innocent. Not hardly. Hate to burst your bubbles boys.

 Look at Lindsay Lohan for crying out loud.... thanks to that train wreck it's a wonder that freckles aren't for the rest of time responsible for conjuring up visions of coked- out attention whores. 

For two, based on the lack of freckled faces on the people's most beautiful covers for the last decade, I find it hard to believe that it is a trait high up on the list of male fantasy requirements.

Turn on #3- An independent streak.

"Most guys like a brisk, good-natured argument". False. I have never met a guy or dated a guy who wanted to, much less "liked" to argue with me. Briskly or not. It might be because I am always right. Just saying.

Turn on #4- Plain Janes.

"Standards of beauty in today’s media-saturated world have become so artificially elevated that many otherwise attractive women are convinced they’re “homely”.

 Geeeeeeee, I wonder why we would feel that way??

I did a generic google search of the term "Sexy women" and these are the first 20 images that came up:

 She is very very shiny

 I don't understand this bra... is that watermelon print??

 I totally believe that this one a real "plain jane"

 

 I think this one might be a man, actually. Sorry.

I know that wasn't 20.... but I think I make my point, and I couldn't keep going without hating myself any more than I already do. I don't need to cry myself to sleep tonight over my lack of size DD or larger breasts and flawless skin. Oh wait, I hear men love freckles.

Turn on #5- Assorted Quirks.

"Remember this the next time you’re feeling self-conscious about slurping your straw three times as you finish your iced latte. You might just have the guy next to you entranced instead of annoyed"

That's dumb. No one likes a slurper. 

 Unless of course you look like and are slurping like this

If we are to believe that men are truly turned on by and looking for women with the traits listed in that article..... you can all stop looking now. You have found her.

TA-DA!!

 Here I am boys, the world's most desirable woman.  

My co-worker says that my owl hat may be negating some of my mojo, and to that I say, "Bitch please, that is my  quirk! please refer to item #5".