Monday, April 30, 2012

Here I thought that bleach was just for my clothes and my teeth

But I was WRONG. Bleach is also for my gina! Check it out here  (Note: clicking on that link will not take you to a site dedicated to my va-gina (gina.... get it?), which I know is a total bummer, but it will take you to a hilarious post about weirdos who bleach their lady parts and the men who love them for it).

 Oooooh, I used parenthesis inside of a parenthetical phrase there. Who's a rebel? This girl.

WARNING- Language in that post is NSFW.  No, not at all.

I'm pretty sure men will not be happy until we can grow perfect vaginas in a lab and then have them implanted in place of the ones we were born with, because obviously those ones will never be good enough. And then all the women in the world will have the exact. same. sparkling white vagina.

Who's the fairest of them all? I guess we won't know til everyone drops their pants. Assume the position ladies!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Anything with a penis begs to differ

This article, Five unusual turn-ons for men, was on the yahoo front page the other day. As I was reading it, it occurred to me that whoever was writing it was either completely dillusional  OR was trying to make my inner unsexy nerd feel better about herself. Thanks, I think.... I am going to prove this writer wrong in 5 easy steps. *Ahem*.......

Turn on #1- Glasses.
According to the article "Every guy loves a girl in glasses but women never seem to know that". Really??  The reason that women don't know that is because the girls in glasses that you are referring to are NOT wearing them to improve their vision, they are wearing them as a prop to enhance their hot-for-teacher Halloween costume. 

This is what guys want girls in glasses to look like:

See.... you're probably not even looking at the girl on the left

This is the reality of girls with glasses:
 That's really me.... and I will admit this is the absolute best pic of myself that I could find with my glasses on.

Turn on #2- Freckles.
Don't get me started.  This article would like for you to believe that freckles give off the illusion of "innocence" and that despite cosmetic advertising trying to eradicate every dark spot and freckle from my face,  men really secretly like them.  Psh, I don't buy it. For one, I am covered (literally, it would take forever to count them all) in freckles and I am not innocent. Not hardly. Hate to burst your bubbles boys.

 Look at Lindsay Lohan for crying out loud.... thanks to that train wreck it's a wonder that freckles aren't for the rest of time responsible for conjuring up visions of coked- out attention whores. 

For two, based on the lack of freckled faces on the people's most beautiful covers for the last decade, I find it hard to believe that it is a trait high up on the list of male fantasy requirements.

Turn on #3- An independent streak.
"Most guys like a brisk, good-natured argument". False. I have never met a guy or dated a guy who wanted to, much less "liked" to argue with me. Briskly or not. It might be because I am always right. Just saying.

Turn on #4- Plain Janes.
"Standards of beauty in today’s media-saturated world have become so artificially elevated that many otherwise attractive women are convinced they’re “homely”.
 Geeeeeeee, I wonder why we would feel that way??

I did a generic google search of the term "Sexy women" and these are the first 20 images that came up:

 She is very very shiny

 I don't understand this bra... is that watermelon print??

 I totally believe that this one a real "plain jane"

 I think this one might be a man, actually. Sorry.

I know that wasn't 20.... but I think I make my point, and I couldn't keep going without hating myself any more than I already do. I don't need to cry myself to sleep tonight over my lack of size DD or larger breasts and flawless skin. Oh wait, I hear men love freckles.

Turn on #5- Assorted Quirks.
"Remember this the next time you’re feeling self-conscious about slurping your straw three times as you finish your iced latte. You might just have the guy next to you entranced instead of annoyed"

That's dumb. No one likes a slurper. 

 Unless of course you look like and are slurping like this

If we are to believe that men are truly turned on by and looking for women with the traits listed in that article..... you can all stop looking now. You have found her.

 Here I am boys, the world's most desirable woman.  

My co-worker says that my owl hat may be negating some of my mojo, and to that I say, "Bitch please, that is my  quirk! please refer to item #5".

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Good grief....

Girls- selling, auctioning, or even giving away your autographed bra does not raise breast cancer awareness.

Boys- buying, bidding on, or winning said bra does not raise awareness for breast cancer.

If the money made from sale, auction or winning of the bra goes towards a charity that helps fund breast cancer research.... that's still not the same thing as saying "Hey, I care about women dying from a horrible disease and I want to contribute my money to a good cause"..... it's just you buying used undergarments. You can get those at yard sales too.

Just because it has touched a breast, doesn't give it magic breast cancer curing power.

Sometimes I just want to punch the stupid out of people :/

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Red solo cup, I fill you up! Proceed to....cringe.

Before texting and instant messaging and email became something that was absolutely necessary to keep in touch, we used to write notes to each other. You know, on paper with a pen or pencil. I am sure you remember. Back in junior high and high school. I used to have shoe boxes stuffed full of notes from my friends and boys that I was way too shy to actually speak to in person. They were folded up in weird trapezoid origami shapes and marked with "4U2C ONLY!".  Very very serious stuff. It was probably 7 years ago that I finally stopped moving those shoe boxes from house to house and dumped them directly into the garbage with a satisfied feeling of moving on from my childhood. I am an adult now. Rawr!!

I was recently reintroduced to all my years of teenage angst by a guy who for some inexplicable reason still has a handful of those notes, folded up in weird trapezoid origami  shapes, with "4U2C Only!!" written on them, stuffed into a little red plastic cup that lived on a shelf in his room all through high school. And then that cup was packed away in storage for (let's see, from 1999 to 2012) 13 years until they made their grand reappearance!

A serious sense of unease came over me as I realized what was in the cup. And he was oh so very eager to show me just how ridiculous I used to be. Ugh.... really must I be tortured with how whiny and needy and desperate for love and affection I was 13 years ago?  Ok, I can be honest, not much has changed, but I would like to think that I hide it better now than I did back then.

So over the course of 5 or 6 letters, cringing at the embarrassing moments, laughing that the funny jokes I had forgotten about and feeling a tiny twinge of something similar to regret, I realized a very important thing; We don't really ever change.  Maybe we evolve and become more than what we started out as, but the basic principals of who we are remain intact. I am still that awkward girl, reaching to fit in and be "liked". The games I played then (I am a girl after all) are the same games that I play now.

*Sigh*  and here I was thinking that I had changed and become this person who was so much more.... so much better (mo better!) than that insecure girl. The sad thing is that I still identify way too much with my 1997 self. 

Quick! I need a dirty martini and any movie from the Criterion Collection so that I can feel mature (and pretentious) and grown up!