“All I know is that you’re an awesome person and friend and if you don’t feel that someone deserves your time, they don’t. I love you as all those things, and IF I ever had the opportunity given from you to be with you, I wouldn’t screw it up”.
Jeeeeze…. why don’t you just stab me right in the heart while you are at it.
How is it possible to look right at someone and recognize them as the exact person you are supposed to be with, and still not be able to just take the leap of faith? You like the same things; same movies, same music, you have the same sense of humor. This person knows you better than you know yourself most of the time. You can talk about anything, even the icky stuff. Yet, there is something that you can’t quite put your finger on that keeps you from saying, “Yep, let’s just jump in and try it out”.
It should be storybook fairytale easy. After all, there are 18 years of history…. cookie baking, late night talks, proms, first kisses, jealousy, missed opportunities, uncomfortable silences on the drive home….. that illustrate what you already know; He loves you, and if you could just get over whatever that thing is that you can’t put your finger on, he’d probably spend forever making you happy.
And all that history, all 18 years of it, the good and the bad, can be so suffocating that it is hard to breathe. What you do instead, is run as far and as fast as you can away from that person.
And you run straight into the person that is the exact opposite. You have nothing in common. You may as well speak different languages sometimes. In fact, you do. You have no mutual friends; you didn’t go to school together. All you know of each other is what you want to tell. And it is so easy, and so effortless. And at first the differences don't matter at all. It's as if you are two parts of the same whole and compliment each other even though it would seem to others that you should mix about as well as oil and water. You love like mad and all is right with the world.
And little by little, over time, the differences start to matter. That's not to say that the love is any less, but it isn't so fairytale, it isn't so easy anymore. There are different expectations, different boundaries, different ideas of what this love should be like. There are hurt feelings and things that you can't take back once they are done or said. You want things to be better, to be right, but it's hard to know the right thing to do when the canyon of differences in between you make it almost impossible to relate to what the other person is saying or feeling.
You want someone to talk to. Someone who can help you get your head right. And you want it to be that person that you always go to when you need someone to understand you. After 18 years he understands you. The person who knows what you are going to say before you say it. But that person can't just be your friend and listen. That person doesn't have your relationships best interest at heart because his heart wants you.
I am hurting one person, and being hurt by another. Sometimes love really does suck big time. I want to feel safe and secure in my relationship again. I want to have my friend. I am having a hard time reconciling myself with the fact that you can't always have what you want.
Sometimes things just aren't quite as black and white as you would like them to be.