Friday, August 26, 2011

I was wrong about Harry Potter taking over the world

Praying Mantises, or Mantid, or Manti.... or however your want to convey that there are MANY, are taking over the world. Not Harry Potter, as I previously believed.

I know that you will say that a Praying Mantis is not going to murder me in my sleep. It is not going to eat me. It probably won't do anything scary, or noteworthy at all for that matter. They are a slow moving, big eyed, weird looking bug.... but not menacing. Hearing your reassuring words about how harmless they are is not going to prevent me from freaking the fuck out when one gets too close to me. I read that the biggest Praying Mantis recorded was 18" and found in China.  18 inches????  That is HUGE. That is definitely big enough to do this:

The females eat the heads of the males after mating, for fucks sake!!!  They are ruthless killing machines! Kinda badass, if you ask me, but still not something I wanna get all close and cuddly with.

I am 30 years old. 30 and a half if you want to get technical about it. My point in mentioning that is not so you feel bad for me because I am old, but to simply point out that I have been on the earth for a minute or two and I have experienced and seen lots of things.  Of those many things that I have seen, there are Praying Mantids included. But up until about a month ago, I could probably count on both hands and feet how many I had ever seen in my entire life. Less then 20 Praying Mantids in 30 whole years.

In the last month though.... I have seen at least 10. 10 Praying Mantids in 30 DAYS... not years. The first one was walking very slowly, and purposefully across my garage floor towards my car tire. I watched if for a while until it crawled into my wheel, behind the hubcap. I felt a little bad for it because I knew I would be getting in my car shortly and leaving, and it would be mush. But I didn't feel bad enough about it to actually risk getting close to it to stop it from certain death. I am a bitch, I know.

The other 9 that I have seen were all at work. I am actually starting to wonder if the office is built on top of some ancient Praying Mantis burial site, and the pissed off spirits of Praying Mantids past are out to scare me off. It's WORKING!

This one was chilling in my mini blinds.... thinking he was stealthy. I got rid of him using my trusty pink broom.

Hanging upside down. Displaying your circus tricks will not convince me to let you live on my stacker. Nice try! Pink broom for you!

The others have all been lurking around outside by the door, waiting for the opportunity to get in. Three mornings this week I have arrived at work to find one sitting by the door.  I know that it isn't the same one, because they have been different sizes. 

Today, a Praying Mantis tried to kill me. Yes, it's true. I was sitting at my desk, doing data entry, or something equally exciting and soul-sucking, when a Praying Mantis landed (Or swooped purposefully, the jury is till out on this) in my hair. As you can probably imagine, I reacted in a calm, and sane manner.

I was terrified. Luckily, it only took me about 6 hard, flailing whacks to my own head to dislodge the beast from my hair and onto the ground. It was stunned, and I took this opportunity to use pink broom to sweep it outside.

Seriously, where are all of these guys coming from??? Why have I seen so many more recently than I have seen my entire life combined? Most of them seem small and harmless, but today's attack was unprovoked! This is war, Praying Mantids! Consider yourself warned....

 Don't make me start bringing my sword to work!

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