Ruining potentially good things should be my super hero power.
Ya'll can start calling me the Devastator, since all I do is destroy, enthusiastically, anything that has the slightest chance of making me happy or being good for me.
How do I do this, you ask? Well, I speak. That is how. I'm pretty fucking magic.
I am really good at keeping people at arms length. Men specifically, but I have been known to do this with friends as well. I am a tough person to get to know. I don't give a lot away. I know that is hard to believe when you read this blog and I seem to wear my thoughts and feelings on my sleeve, but you would be surprised what you think you know, and what you have no clue about when it comes to me.
Every so often though, someone comes along that I relax around. I didn't want it to be this guy in particular. Why? I don't know.... but I had a feeling from the very beginning that this could be...... bad. Not bad in the sense that you are thinking (as if I could possibly know what you are thinking), but bad in the sense that I thought "Oh man, this is gonna hurt if it doesn't work out". And here it is, hurting. Forget Devastator, you can call me Miss Cleo, your psychic friend.
Tip: do not search for images of Miss Cleo.... you have been warned.
Why did I have to open my big fat mouth and cast my magic spell of ...... ickyness?? Well, that is simple, because that is what I do. I've spent the last few months letting myself like the idea of having him around. And during that process I was also putting up some serious walls to people that I wished would stop liking the idea of having me around. It's a complicated line that I was walking. I was never sure where I stood. I wanted him to want me as more than a friend, and I wanted my friends to stop wanting me that way. I was looking for clear indication on both sides. I am not claiming to have handled it the right way. Its actually a pretty awful feeling to not know where you stand with someone.
Instead of being a grown up, I am 30 after all, and saying "Can I please talk to you about something that has been on my mind", I let a (very ill timed on his part) "whatever" push me over the edge. Can I blame my red hair? I said some things that I shouldn't have said. Not because I don't feel them, but because I didn't actually want to hurt him by saying them.
I am stubborn. I am a Capricorn, it's built into me from birth. But I am not oblivious to when I am wrong. I have a hard time admitting it, but I did recently take a step down from my "I am always right and justified in my feelings" pedestal so that I could say "I know that I acted like a giant asshole, and I am sorry".
And what is worse than hearing "You are right, you are a giant asshole! Kick rocks, bitch!"? Well, that is easy.... it's hearing nothing at all.
I am pretty sure that I have blown it and lost someone I care about and a friend. And sadly, I have no one to blame but myself. I deserve it.