Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Chains and whips excite her..... *barf*

I went to lunch with my mom the other day and there was a woman sitting in the booth next to us. My mom had her back to the woman, but I could see her clearly. She was.... large. And in charge. And she had this hideous pink hair. She reminded me of Hatchet Face from that movie "Cry Baby", which is a GREAT movie for those of you who have not seen it.

Maybe it isn't that great, and maybe I just love it for Johnny Depp..... it's entirely possible. Mmmmmmm.  But I digress.....

Anywho, so this woman was sitting there, shoveling food into her giant face, and chewing with her mouth open. She was having some ridiculous conversation with her male companion (who was very small. Why do small scrawny guys dig jabba the hut sized women??) and had the voice of a dude. Isaac Hays' voice was coming out of this woman's body.

So basically, she looked EXACTLY like this:

I'm actually pretty proud of myself for this ;)

So as delicate princess pink hair hatchet face was inhaling her meal, her cell phone rang. Now there are a whole lot of songs I could have imagined come out of her cell phone as a ring tone, but nothing quite prepared me for Rihanna. Not just any Rihanna song, oh no, it was "S&M". 

Sweet Jesus.

I know... I am going to hell for this post. I am just saying what you all would have thought while sitting there and witnessing that train wreck. You're welcome!!

I do what I want!

Horoscope for the day:
"Have you been giving someone the silent treatment? It won't do you much good ... you can't make your point unless you clearly communicate your feelings and needs. People cannot read your mind, so get in touch and clear the air. If you are the one receiving silent treatment from someone else, reach out and check in with them. Find out whether they are ready to talk. Approach things compassionately and with your defenses down". 

Hahaha! Compassionately? Defenses down? We all know that this is how I prefer to make my feelings known:

Seriously though, is someone giving me the silent treatment?? I don't like that :(  Come talk to mama...  I promise not to breathe fire at you, or call you stupid or anything. I will be nice. Pinky swear.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Yes please!!

Sara Bareilles is going to be at Britt Fest in Jacksonville next month!!!!!!!  *SQUEEEEEEEAL*   July 20th!

These are two of my very favorite songs. Not just by her, but like favorite ever.

Oh, and Joshua Radin is going to be there too! I love him! Please please please someone say that they can get that Wednesday off and go with me! :D

Check it out!:

Monday, June 27, 2011

It's not a tumor..... well, maybe....

It's not!!

I did make an appointment with my doctor though. Probably ought to see a neurologist and figure out what the heck is going on with my head. I have been getting really awful headaches lately, at least 2 or 3 a week. They aren't like your average run of the mill headaches that can be treated with a couple aspirin. They are so bad that I have to lay down, in a dark room and use an ice pack. I do get migraines, but these aren't even like my normal migraines because those come with halo's and nausea.  These headaches just.... hurt.

Booooooooooo :(

If it is a tumor, I am going to be really bummed when they make me shave my head for surgery. I don't think I can rock a bald head. In fact, I think 90% of my sex appeal (which isn't all the appealing to begin with) comes from my long luxurious hair. Without this hair, I am really a slimy troll.


Muppets make my heart smile

The devastator!!

I am going to have a sad, woe is me, pity party up in here. I can do what I want, it is MY blog after all.

Ruining potentially good things should be my super hero power.

Ya'll can start calling me the Devastator, since all I do is destroy, enthusiastically, anything that has the slightest chance of making me happy or being good for me.

How do I do this, you ask? Well, I speak. That is how. I'm pretty fucking magic.

I am really good at keeping people at arms length. Men specifically, but I have been known to do this with friends as well.  I am a tough person to get to know. I don't give a lot away. I know that is hard to believe when you read this blog and I seem to wear my thoughts and feelings on my sleeve, but you would be surprised what you think you know, and what you have no clue about when it comes to me.

Every so often though, someone comes along that I relax around. I didn't want it to be this guy in particular. Why? I don't know.... but I had a feeling from the very beginning that this could be...... bad. Not bad in the sense that you are thinking (as if I could possibly know what you are thinking), but bad in the sense that I thought "Oh man, this is gonna hurt if it doesn't work out". And here it is, hurting. Forget Devastator, you can call me Miss Cleo, your psychic friend.

 Tip: do not search for images of Miss Cleo.... you have been warned.

Why did I have to open my big fat mouth and cast my magic spell of ...... ickyness?? Well, that is simple, because that is what I do. I've spent the last few months letting myself like the idea of having him around. And during that process I was also putting up some serious walls to people that I wished would stop liking the idea of having me around. It's a complicated line that I was walking. I was never sure where I stood. I wanted him to want me as more than a friend, and I wanted my friends to stop wanting me that way. I was looking for clear indication on both sides. I am not claiming to have handled it the right way. Its actually a pretty awful feeling to not know where you stand with someone.

Instead of being a grown up, I am 30 after all, and saying "Can I please talk to you about something that has been on my mind", I let a (very ill timed on his part) "whatever" push me over the edge. Can I blame my red hair? I said some things that I shouldn't have said. Not because I don't feel them, but because I didn't actually want to hurt him by saying them.

I am stubborn. I am a Capricorn, it's built into me from birth. But I am not oblivious to when I am wrong. I have a hard time admitting it, but I did recently take a step down from my "I am always right and justified in my feelings" pedestal so that I could say "I know that I acted like a giant asshole, and I am sorry".

And what is worse than hearing "You are right, you are a giant asshole! Kick rocks, bitch!"?  Well, that is easy.... it's hearing nothing at all.

I am pretty sure that I have blown it and lost someone I care about and a friend. And sadly, I have no one to blame but myself. I deserve it.


Friday, June 24, 2011

Pretty heavy for a Friday afternoon

I very rarely remember my dreams. Unless of course it is something really awful, like all my teeth falling out

I used to have this recurring nightmare that I was being chased, tormented, and attacked by someone. Someone that I know, and sadly, had really done those things to me in real life. That is a story for another day, but the reason I am mentioning it is because after a couple years of not having that dream, I had it last night.

I don't think about him much anymore. I try not to. And I can only assume that this dream resulted from the fact that I actually spoke of him the other day for the first time in ages.

It is crazy to me how real a dream can seem while you are having it, but how absurd it is when thinking back on it. Absurd or not, frantically running and trying to hide, only to be found and having to fight to defend myself seemed more real than I care to admit.  I awoke, panicked and disoriented with my heart racing and tears on my cheeks, to the sound of a text message on my phone. I have never been more grateful for forgetting to turn off my ringer than I was at midnight last night. I didn't really sleep much after that.

Does anyone else have dreams like that? I don't mean exactly like that, but so real that it seems impossible that it isn't really happening? Do you have recurring dreams at all?  This one is always the same for me. Of the dreams that I can remember, they are almost never "nightmares", yet they are always strange. I dream about crazy shit like space aliens and chicken nuggets. I think I would gladly trade having the dream where my teeth fall out every single night in exchange for never having last nights dream again.

Unfortunately, I have had the better part of the day, driving around in my car, to replay the stupid thing in my head, over and over. Ugh. So much for not thinking of him that much anymore. Guess I need to reset. Start over. Time to head for home and find some mindless comedic drivel to distract me enough to fall asleep for a nap.

"Dreams" artwork by Leah Piken Kolidas from her blog Creative Every Day.  Neat stuff, check it out!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Please make it stop now

I might start a "No more Lady Gaga" petition. 

She was mildly entertaining at first, and I won't lie, I really dig that "Lovegame" song.  But now..... now she just rubs me the wrong way ALL the time.  She is pompous and too over the top.  She tries way too hard to be controversial.... and I am tired of all her stupid outfits. 

She actually scares me a little bit here....

Jim Henson would be rolling over in his grave if he knew of this atrocity 

This just makes me hungry

Just put some God damned clothes on already!!

I hope she trips and falls in those stupid shoes.

This is what she wrote in V magazine

I myself can look at almost any hemline, silhouette, bead work, or heel architecture and tell you very precisely who designed it first, what French painter they stole it from, how many designers reinvented it after them, and what cultural and musical movement parented the birth, death, and resurrection of that particular trend......  Any writer, or anyone for that matter, who doesn’t understand the last two sentences of this column should NEVER be writing about or critiquing fashion or artists in publication. As someone who references and annotates her work vigilantly, I am putting all of you on notice. I’ve done my homework, have you? … 

Pretentious much?

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

To video blog, or not to video blog.... awful photo ahead

I have considered video blogging in the past. And it has crossed my mind again recently, thanks to my friend Suzi, who has started video blogging her adventures in Louisiana. Since I have to copy everything she does, I contemplated the whole video thing again.

For the time being, I have decided against it. And here is why:

This is what I look like at the current moment. No makeup, horrendous hair, sitting in bed in my pajamas.  And this is how I am comfortable. So in the interest of not torturing anyone with the sight of my comfy self, in the form of video musings, I am going to continue to post the old fashioned way and hope that you all imagine me to be typing with my hair freshly done and tasteful makeup applied.

In the event that at a later date I decide to embrace technology and utilize my webcam, I promise to cover this mess with a hat. A hat does wonders. See what it did for me today:

Camo hat. It's like I am invisible. Problem solved. Problem being awful hair. Good lawdy.

Happy zombie hump day!

I really need to start getting more sleep. I fell asleep around midnight last night only to wake up around 2:45am to stare at my ceiling until my alarm went off this morning. I feel like a zombie today.

But not a sexy zombie, like this

More like this

I feel like this is an appropriate time to let you all in on my secret love of Rob Zombie.

Some of the things that were on my mind last night:

1) World peace. Duh.
2) Buying new gym shoes. 
3) Sex. 
4) Angry birds
5) Quitting my job and moving to Hawaii.
6) Sex, again. I know, I'm like a dude. I needs it.
7) Houseboat menu
8) Pygmy goats

I never said they were important things......

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Tell em kiss my ass, call it kiss and tell!

Ok..... who's coming with me to see Lil Wayne at Sleep Train in Sept??? You know you want to :) Keri Hilson is going to be there too!

Monday, June 20, 2011

I just wanna go fast!

And then you get hit by a car

Sometimes you need someone who knows you better than anyone else to set you straight.  Sometimes it's an ex boyfriend. Strange right?

Jesse is one of my closest friends. Probably my best, right along side Deana. Yeah, we dated for a minute. Ok, it was more like 131,4000 minutes, (it sounds like a lot longer when you say it THAT way ;p) give or take a few. So it kind of goes without saying that the guy knows me pretty well. He knows my temper, knows what makes me sad, what I am passionate about. He knows ME. I am so glad we have remained friends. I love the guy. Maybe not in the same way that I used to love him, more like family now. I'd still jump in front of a car for him. Jesse, if you are reading this.... please look both ways when crossing the street, ok? I don't actually want to test this statement, haha!

The great thing about having such an amazing guy friend is that he gives me really sound relationship advice. He is good at this because he knows how I can get. I am too analytical and when things don't go how I feel they should, or how I want, he knows I am discouraged. He will tell me when I am reading too much into something. He tells me from a guys prospective how I should proceed. He also likes to tell me when I give him too much information :p Haha, he says "Gross", a lot. For some reason, the parts of my stories that involve little clothing are not his favorite. Fortunately for him, but unfortunately for me, those stories are non existent at the moment. He will also tell me when I have done something really dumb, "You said what?!"

Jesse's words of wisdom today were words that made me sad. 

Not what I wanted to hear. I am basically putting my fingers in my ears and saying " na na na na na!" I am sure he will tell me I am being silly. He is right about that, of course.

So this silly girl, not accepting defeat upon hearing what she does not want to hear, with all these thoughts rolling around in her brain, running on very (very very) little sleep, and a growling tummy, headed over to the Chevron mini mart to attempt to find something somewhat healthy to snack on (longest run on sentence ever? Possibly) I settled on those little powder sugar covered donuts. Don't judge me, it was that or Doritos. As I was walking back to my car, I passed behind a little blue honda..... that proceeded to back into me. It was nothing all that dramatic, the car was going slowly. My body didn't fly up in the air or anything insane, but I did stumble and fall backwards. The girl driving the car was, naturally, very apologetic.  I think she was worried I was going to sue her. I assured her that I was fine.

Strangely enough, a similar thing happened to me in the Target parking lot once (I think it was Target). I guess I am going to need to pick up one of those bright orange vests so no one can say they didn't see me.

Maybe that little blue honda was a sign sent from God, like an exclamation point to the entire weekend. OK OK, I get it......

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Further proof that I am most likely evil.... and the rest of my mini vacation

So this definitely did not make my day:
"Hey why don't you get in your Mack truck and run me back over Ice Princess?"

Ice princess? Ouch.

Contrary to popular belief, I have a heart. In fact, it seems to be more sensitive lately than normal. Why? I wish I could tell you. All I seem to do lately is make an idiot out of myself. I get into bed at night and think to myself "Why, oh why, did I say/do that?"  

Recently, I have managed to push away someone who was potentially really good for me, and acted like a jealous green eyed monster with someone else who I have zero right to be that way with. Why can't these things just be.... easy?

Aside from all that heartache type nonsense, I had a very good mini vacation. Spent some time at the gym, slept in, did some baking, got a lot done around the house and spent lots of time with my parents. I went to the lake yesterday for the first time this summer. Which means I also put my swimsuit on for the first time this summer...... I am going to post a picture of what that looked like. Take a good look, because by the end of the summer, this is going to look a whooooooole lot different....

Classic bathroom mirror shot. Check out my noxema ;p

If all goes according to the grand master gym plan, I shall be bikini ready just about the time that summer is wrapping up :p  But as long as I keep up with it, which I plan to do, next years swimsuit will have substantially less fabric ;)  I will keep you all updated on my progress.

I am now on my way out the door to head over to my parents house for a fathers day BBQ. I made macaroni salad :) Mmmmmmmmmmmm!

Friday, June 17, 2011

I probably should not post from my phone, in the wee hours while sleep deprived and a teeny bit depressed...... Oh well, you'll forgive me.

I'd really like someone's hand to hold. I think that is maybe what I miss most about having a guy to call my very own, holding hands.

You caught me. I'm a sentimental mush ball.

Friday, June 10, 2011

I hate all things!

Have you ever had one of those days? I feel like pouting. I may actually be pouting. As my dad would say, if I stick out my lip any farther, a little birdy might land on it :p

But this just made it a little bit better......

Is it lunch time yet? I want carrot sticks.

Clearly the stars have not been reading my blog

Someone has not been listening.....

My horoscope this morning:
"A platonic relationship has been slowly growing into a more important part of your life -- and it's been enabling you to see things from a more balanced perspective. Today you'll see that this relationship might be a permanent feature of your life, and this commitment may intimidate you. You're ready for the responsibility, but you might be uncomfortable with the terms. Take your time and go slowly -- just see how it goes. Nothing is written in stone."

Wasn't I just waxing poetic in my blog post yesterday about how I want my platonic relationships to stay platonic???

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Just like Aquaman

Stuff. Things. Aaaack!!

I am not usually one to keep how I feel to myself; if I want something I say so. If I don't want something, I am pretty good at letting you know that too. But currently...... *sigh*

It has been brought to my attention recently that I have.... an entourage (not my words), a following of sorts (also not my words).  I do not want.

I have a lot of guy friends. More guys than girls. I just get along better with men. The problem that I am having lately is my guy friends (more than 1!!! Grrrrrrrr) wanting to be more than friends. I am not interested. And I feel like I have made that abundantly clear without being flat out rude. But it seems that there is still shameless flirting on their part.  It just makes me uncomfortable and a little irritated, if I am being honest. Is it truly not possible to have a strictly platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex?

But what do I do? And honestly, do I need to do anything? I feel like I should, because I think the extra attention, which has been very obvious, has the potential to hurt something/someone that I care about and is important to me.... This hasn't actually been said flat out to me, but more so hinted at in a passive sort of way. It's ok though, I speak passive too..... I'm really good at passive. Look at my blog....

Important reasons why I will not ever date a friend:
1) Because at some point you (friend) will do something shitty and we will not date anymore, and probably not be friends anymore. Which would make me sad. I genuinely value my friendships.
2) I know where your penis has been. Therefore it will not ever be in me.

That's really all I have, 2 reasons. I honestly think those 2 reasons are more than enough to stand on though.

I guess for now, I will just keep politely laughing off all obvious attempts from my friends who should know better, and hoping for obvious attempts from someone else.

I realize that no part of this post makes any sense. It doesn't even really make sense to me. I usually feel better though once I get my thoughts down on paper (paper? you know what I mean), so consider this a therapeutic post, and I apologize in advance :p

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Baby fever!

Is pregnancy contagious all of a sudden? EVERY girl I know seems to be pregnant or just had a baby or is trying to make a baby. Is there something in the water?? I need you all to make sure and stay faaaaaaaaaaar away from me.

The only good thing about the fact that I am currently a crazed PMS monster is that I am fairly certain (by fairly certain, I mean 200% certain) it means I am not pregnant. It makes me, like, the opposite of pregnant.  And if I recall correctly there is an important thing that needs to happen in order to make a baby.... sex. 

Yeah, 200% certain.

I've never had a "scare" in my life. Know why? Cause I take my birth control like clockwork. Every single day at the same time. I never miss a day. Ever. I've had the flu before, taken my pill, been sick and just to be sure, taken another pill. I am serious about preventing pregnancy. Girls who say stupid shit like, "Oops, I forgot to take my pill", or "I could never remember to take something every day" baffle me. You may as well be trying to get pregnant if that is how careful you are about preventing it.  You remember to brush your teeth, right? Remember to put your underwear on this morning? It's not rocket science. Dumb bitches.

At least I can happily report that none of the girls that I know that are currently pregnant or just squeezed out a kid are saying "Oops, I really should have tried that Plan B"...... They are all so happy and glowing and making my ovaries hurt.

Congrats to all my friends. Thanks for having babies and populating the earth, so that I don't have to ;)

Under construction!

You may, or may not, have noticed that the layout has been changing frequently on my blog. That is because I am a girl, and I change my mind a lot, and I am on the search for the greatest background EVER. So stay tuned.... I will probably let you know when I find the combination that I love most! Feel free to tell me if you think it looks like shit... but be warned that I will probably tell you to kick rocks.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Flat out disgusting

Flatout wraps........ barf! I got a chicken salad wrap at Safeway for lunch (And I made it out alive!!! That parking lot is a nightmare), and they made it with this crazy, diet friendly, low carb wheat flat bread. I am all for healthy eating, and I usually find healthy food to be just as flavorful and yummy as the bad for you stuff, but this was not the case today. I have never tasted anything this nasty. It's like..... gooey, and tastes of styrofoam. 

So now I am sitting here eating the chicken salad out of my wrap with a fork :p  Luckily, I also bought craisins while at the store. Mmmmmmmmmm. It's almost as good as candy. Almost.

The best comic EVER?

That's right. Haha!

I am not a huge spider man fan, but I do love me some wolverine, so I had to share.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Leave it to the assholes and the crazies to make me feel like a loser at life

This has been a very strange weekend. I am willing to chalk most of it up to the fact that I am seriously PMSing. Like big time. I guess I should have mentioned that this post is probably not boy-friendly :p 

I turn into a giant snarling monster when I PMS.

I become an irrational ball of emotion.
mmmmmmm, I want oranges

Even knowing that I am unable, in my current state of emotional upheaval, to react in a sane manner to even remotely upsetting things, I was still shocked at my almost physical reaction to the following two encounters....

1) Saturday morning I got up pretty early, made myself some breakfast (eggs and toast, mmmmmm) and headed off to the gym. It was a good start to the day, I was feeling great. I had some errands to run and stopped by the bank to get some cash. As I was about to cross the parking lot to my car, I noticed a van coming. So I stopped to wait, like nice people should do. I hate people who don't even look to see if cars are coming in a parking lot and just walk right out in front of you like they own the world. I am not one of those people, so I was going to wait for the van to pass. I wasn't in any big hurry anyway. Well the guy stops and waves me by. So I start to cross and politely smiled and waved, being appreciative and all, but I notice that they guy is kind of giving me a dirty look while waving me across, like he is seriously put out and irritated that he had to stop. I just kept walking, thinking to myself "What's your problem, buddy? I was gonna wait for you to go by, but whatevs...".  The guy parks his van and gets out just as I am about to get in my car. He looks over at me, grumbles something and then calls me a "Fucking Cunt", right to my face.

Now I have done some things in life where I probably deserved to be called a fucking cunt, and still was NOT called a fucking cunt. Ever. After the initial shock, I probably stood there with my mouth open for 3-5 seconds, I managed to sputter out "What did you just call me?!" He muttered something else that I couldn't make out, turned around and walked into the bank. 

I was struck by two conflicting impulses. The first being to cry. I was really offended. I smiled and waved at the douche bag!! And I think I am a pretty nice person, definitely not a fucking cunt. I think I might have even teared up a little bit. My second almost uncontrollable impulse was to follow that guy into the bank, cause a scene, and then stab him in the balls with the nearest sharp object (probably one of those pens attached to the counters with chains. I could have used my pissed off adrenaline hulk strength to liberate one of those pens from their chains).  What I did instead, was get into my car and call my daddy and tell him how upset I was. He did what all dads should do, offered to go kick that guys ass.  I love my dad :)

2)  Earlier this afternoon I decided to take a walk on the river trail. It was a weird day, kind of cloudy and muggy and not very warm. But I wanted to be outside and so I decided to head out.  I walked about 2 miles in and had just turned around to head back when this guy catches up to me. He was..... different. Instead of the normal polite smile or wave, the guy proceeds to pace himself with me and talk my ear off for the next two miles. He is a strange cookie. I know everything about this guy now. He is 42. His name is Tommy. He likes to bike 6 miles and then walk 4. He had a very traumatic experience as a teenager when a guy pulled a knife on him. He thinks that the sundial bridge is some sort of giant biblical reference. Blah blah blah. He kept saying "God, isn't it beautiful out here???" with the same level of fascination and awe that the guy in the double rainbow video had. I really didn't give a crap about any of it. Mostly I was being nice and saying "Oh yeah?" and "Wow, that's so interesting" because I was worried if I didn't he might throw me in the river or something. Here is a snippet of our conversation:

Tommy: "So does your husband usually walk with you?"
Me: "No, I'm not married"
Tommy: "You are awfully young looking, probably only 24, 25? No need to rush to get married anyway, haha"
Me: "Actually, I am 30"
Tommy: "Oh....... well..... lots of people find love later in life. I am sure it will happen for you".
Me: "..............................................................................................................................................................
.............................................................................................................................................................., yeah, thanks".

So basically, Tommy, the creeper on the river trail, just pointed out how behind I am in life. I am basically doomed to be a dried up old spinster.
About a quarter of a mile away from my car, it started to rain. Thankfully, Tommy was afraid he was going to melt and took off at a quicker pace to get back to his truck (which was very dirty and needed to be washed, luckily he had bought some really great car wash at the store earlier.... oh my god, this guy never stopped talking!).  I was left, thankfully, to finish my walk in the rain, in peace. All the while thinking to myself that that weirdo thinks I am a loser for not being married. Awesome. I was probably being way too sensitive about it, on account of my raging hormones, but he really bothered me. I felt like catching up with him and saying something stupid like, "Hey jerk, I was married!", but then realized that might make me seem MORE like a loser to him. Why I even cared is still a mystery to me. 

Generally speaking, the rest of the weekend was really good. I got to spend some time with my parents, had lunch with my sister, got to hang out with some friends while they were in town hunting for the perfect street bike, and managed to get seriously freaking high on glue fumes while observing the exciting process of carpeting a boat. I am ready to take a bath, put my jammies on and hopefully get some sleep before heading back to the grind in the morning.

The weekends are never long enough.

Friday, June 3, 2011

This is why I love Jon Stewart


The most depressing of shopping sprees

It's June! Not that you would know it from the rain, and cold, and more rain, and freak hail storms. Based on my recollection of summers past, it should be well into the 90's, if not 100 degrees and over by now.  And what do we do when it is hot? Well, aside from taking off all our clothes (oh yes, that Nelly reference just happened), we go swimming! At the lake, in a pool, it doesn't really matter.

In preparation for the warmer temperatures that are sure to come, and the knowledge that I will soon be relaxing at the lake, I decided to go shopping and get myself a new swimsuit. I left my house a confident woman, with a spring in my step, feeling pretty and likable. I returned..... a shell of a woman, self confidence in tatters. 

Perhaps it was the harsh and unforgiving florescent overhead lighting. Or maybe it was the wall of mirrors. Or maybe, just maybe, it was that stupid supermodel-gorgeous girl that was a quarter of my size trying on the same bathing suit as me. I hate her face. *sigh*........

This is what I saw in the mirror:
Except less hairy...

And maybe a little of this:

It was definitely a combination of the two.

So I headed home without a new swimsuit, head hanging low, vowing to never eat again. 

As God as my witness, I shall never eat again!!!

Perhaps never eating again is a bit extreme. I am seriously going on a diet though. I have been on a "Sort-of diet" kick for the last month or so, but clearly the "sort of" part isn't working. So I am now on a "Serious as a heart attack-diet". No no no carbs or sugar. Well except on Saturdays. I have to have a cheat day or I lose my mind. Seriously, I was doing South Beach about 2 years ago and I had a total meltdown in the middle of Wholefoods because all I wanted in life was an english muffin. I probably would have stabbed a stranger for a cupcake. I was insane with carb withdrawals.

So, no carbs or sugar except on Saturdays. AND, lots more time at the gym. Maybe when I look like this:
I'll get my ass back in a swimsuit again.........

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Nerds are sexy!!

John Waters thinks so too:

I have a lot of books...... just sayin.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


Good news guys..........

 I still have all my teeth!!! :)

Wednesday can go get F***ed

I had the worst night! Ever! Waaaaaaaaaaaa :(

It started with a wee bit of a back ache. I am not really sure how I managed to hurt myself; Not that I am ever really sure. I mean, I vacuumed, that could have been it I guess. Super lame, right? I can't even vacuum without hobbling away like an old woman. Anyway, I took a pain pill (half of a pain pill actually, cause I don't really like that stuff) and put my pajamas on got into bed. I had really good intentions of finishing up my blog about my bucket list, but as you can see if you read it... it's not quite done. Not for lack of trying, but because that stupid (half) pain pill had other plans for me.

I have a love/hate relationship with Norco. I love it because it makes whatever pain I have go completely away. I hate it because it seriously makes me itchy and twitchy like a super tweak. It also causes me to stay awake alllllll night long. I will be absolutely exhausted and instead of being able to lay down and go to sleep, I will toss and turn and scratch and twitch until the sun rises. But at least my back will not hurt *sigh*

Last night was much of the same. I was anxious and fidgety and absolutely could not drift off to sleep. On top of that, I was feeling very sick to my stomach, which only happens sometimes when I take Norco. Lucky me. The last time that I looked at my clock it was 3:45am. I must have finally dozed off for a minute because I woke up again at 5:00am.  But this is what happened during that hour and 15 minutes........

I lost all my teeth!!!!!

Ok, not really. But I had a dream that I fell (on my mouth, I guess?) and knocked all my teeth out. I was bleeding and sad and couldn't talk right. And NO ONE LOVED ME ANYMORE. My mom thought I was ugly and the guy I like wanted nothing to do with me. And I was absolutely positive I was going to end up with wooden teeth like George Washington.

I am not sure that I can properly convey how disturbing this dream was to me. And it was soooooo real. I managed to startle awake and immediately launched myself into the bathroom to be ill. As I was getting sick and being miserable I thought to myself "Oh boy!!! I still have my teeth!!" It was a feeling of pure elation that was so very completely out of place while barfing my guts up. I then proceeded to brush my teeth for much longer than the two minute timer on my toothbrush thought was necessary. I fell back into bed and stared at the ceiling until my alarm went off at 7:15 this morning.
Lesson learned? No more pain pills before bed, they make me CRAY-ZAY. Suffer through the back ache.

I feel like ass. There is a very good possibility that I will go home on my lunch and take a nap. I was not built to run on less than 2 hours of sleep a night.