Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Why I would rather become a nun than rely on online dating....

I have been back "on the market" (like real estate. awesome.) for almost a year now. I haven't ever gone that long without being in a relationship before. Well, at least not since I hit the age of 17. I am not the type of girl who has to have a boyfriend, it just seems to always happen that I am not single for long. My point is that the last 10ish months have been an interesting adventure in dating. I have made it a point to not jump in to a relationship, and really sort of explore my options and think about what I really want. I think I have narrowed down my list of "Must haves" to a manageable size:

1- Must be gorgeous.
2- Must be funny.
3- Must have an IQ higher than that of a banana slug. I kissed one once, at camp. But that will never happen again.
4- Must like foreign film.
5- Must love animals.
6- Must have a job, or job prospect on the horizon. Basically, must not be content to sit around and collect unemployment until forced to re-join the workforce.... probably at McDonald's. Yes, I would like fries with that, thank you.
7- Must be Robert Downey Jr.
8- #7 is not negotiable.

While on my quest for the perfect man (read: Robert Downey Jr.), I was encouraged to try online dating by a friend. I know a lot of people who have tried online dating and had success with it. So I figured I would give it a shot. At the very least, I figured it would make for an entertaining story. Boy howdy....

I should start by saying that I generally do not have a hard time getting a date. The reason I decided to turn to the internet is because I wanted to meet someone outside of my social circle. Someone that I would not have met otherwise. Redding is a small town and I am not a bar crawler.... so it makes it a little difficult to meet new people. I am tired of my guy friends hitting on me. I am tired of my friends trying to set me up with their friends (who usually end up being unavailable and possibly with a pregnant girlfriend. WTF, guys? Seriously? This is who you want to set me up with?). Actually, if said new guy from the internet doesn't know a single person that I know, that would be just fine by me.

So with a renewed sense of adventure, I created my profile and posted it for all of the dating challenged world to see. EEEEEK!  

Here are some things I learned during my brief foray into the world of online dating and some tips I would like to extend to the men out there, trying to find a girl:

1- If a person does not have a picture, it is because they are hideous with like 3 eyeballs or a horn or something. Seriously. This is 2011, we all have digital cameras, or at the very least a cell phone that can take a picture. It's not like you have to develop a roll of film, scan your picture and then upload it. It takes two seconds. So if you are choosing not to post one, it is because you are hiding what you look like.  You can give me some line of bullshit about how you don't want to attract people who are only interested in you for your looks, blah blah blah.... but for real, you wouldn't walk up to some girl in a bar without a face, right? What we look like is our first impression to the world, get over it and get a goddamned picture already. 

2- If you do have pictures but every one is of you without your shirt on (clearly this is for guys), you are probably a giant douche lord. 

3- Under no circumstance is it EVER ok for you to email me and ask "Does the carpet match the drapes?". Not unless you want me to hunt you down and punch you in the (probably very tiny) cock. The same goes for telling me all the lovely things  you want to do all over my face. If these sorts of emails work for you ever, I will be surprised. Unless of course you are sending them to someone who moonlights as a stripper, or someone seeking "intimate encounters", or whatever the hell they call it. Either way, that is not me! 

 This is actually pretty hilarious

4- You should probably not join a dating site if you are not, in fact, ready to date.

5- If you are going to email someone, please make a point to say more than one sentence.  It is hard, at least for me, to get a conversation going when all you send me is "Hi". Take like 10 seconds out of your day and tell my why you decided to write to me. Maybe ask what I think of the weather..... anything. Just make it 4 sentences minimum. Thanks. And while you are at it, please don't abbreviate or use that obnoxious texting shorthand. I need to know that you have a firm grasp on sentence structure and punctuation.

6- On your profile you should probably not bash dating sites, because here you are, on a dating site. Clearly your winning personality isn't getting you dates out in "the real world".

7- Don't send me lots of cool emails on the dating site, then ask to be my facebook friend, and when I add you stop talking to me altogether. Did you just want to cyber-stalk me in the background for awhile?

8- I am fairly certain that I very clearly indicated that I was a female looking for a male. Not female looking for female.... so ladies, knock it off. Lesbians dig me, I don't get it.

9- You should not ever call me honey, sexy, sweetie, baby, or doll until such a time that I decide if I even like you well enough to date you (actually, I am going to reserve this for just while in an actual relationship). It's obnoxious. That's probably just me though, don't take that as gospel for all girls on dating sites, maybe they like that.

10- Just try not to be a pervert or a jerk. It's not that hard. And girls, stop being whiny, needy, codependent basket cases. You are making it hard for the rest of us to prove we are normal. 

All in all, I can't be too hard on online dating; I have met a couple really nice guys online. Although these nice guys will probably not end up being anything more than good friends, I do not consider it a wasted effort. There is one that could potentially be more than that, and that makes me smile :) I don't have an online profile anymore and I am breathing easier now that I am not worried about what kind of ridiculous/offensive/cringe worthy email I will get next, haha!!


  1. OMG, this is very entertaining!!! Thanks for letting me know that I never really missed anything by NOT doing the internet dating thing and am glad to be happily married. :O)

  2. "I need to know that you have a firm grasp on sentence structure and punctuation."

    My favorite part.

    Great blog update. I love it!! =)

  3. I love this blog. very insightful and so funny !!!!!
    Also, although I'm married, I have to say that Robert Downey Jr. is clearly the most extra-ordinary man on the planet, in all ways I can think of. I'm a huge fan. He gives me faith in the male species. I love his intelligence, his physical grace, broad and expansive personality, his essence, and gorgeousness.
    I ran into him once. I was in LA, driving down an alley and his car was blocking the way, while he was talking with a guy. I still regret not taking the moment to tell him that - he rocks !!! At the time, I was 8 months pregnant. A pregnant woman can get away with anything, so I really blew it ! sf