Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Mah Bucket!

Bucket List!!!  I am not really sure why they call it that. Does anyone know? Maybe if I watched that stupid movie, which will surely make me cry, I would know.  I dislike movies that make me cry (crying betrays my stone cold exterior!) so I am not going to watch it. But I do know that "Bucket List" is a term for a list of things that you want to do before you die. I don't plan on dying any time in the near future, not that any of us do, but I have been thinking lately of things I want to experience or accomplish before it is time to meet my maker (Morgan Freeman).

1. Watch all of the movies in the Criterion Collection. "The 400 Blows" is next up in my Netflix queue. 780 films is going to take a looooong time though.  Better get busy!! I am especially looking forward to this one:
How could this possibly be bad??

2. Visit the Eiffel tower. I need a travel buddy. Anyone interested? I am a really good traveler because I am very organized. Itineraries make me happy. I took french for a few years in high school.... so I am pretty well prepared to order us beverages and ask to use the restroom (*ahem* Esque je peux aller aux toilets, sil vous plait?). I am sure Rosetta Stone can teach us the rest, haha!

3.  Learn to snowboard. It seems ridiculous that I have lived 45 minutes from Mt. Shasta for the better part of my life and have still never been on a pair of skis or tried snowboarding. I am a fairly busy girl, but there is really no reason that I haven't made it up there, other than I am terrified of breaking my ass. Or my face. Snow looks soft, but that is probably very deceiving. 

4.  Ride in a hot air balloon. It just seems like it would be a whole lot of fun.

5.  Take a photography class. There are so many beautiful things that I would love to be able to capture, but it never looks quite as good on film (well, memory card :p) as it does when I am looking through the finder. There is definitely an art to it. 

6.  Write a book. I don't really know what about yet. I have a couple short stories that I keep hidden away from public view, but I would like to work on something more substantial than that. Maybe one day I will figure it out, and get something published. Hell, if that Twilight chick can do it...... 

7.  Start a non-profit, no kill, animal rescue. 

Well, that is a good start. There will be more to come, but it is late, and my back hurts. Time for some shut eye :)

Good night, moon!

Whoa... just whoa

I was at burger king today getting french fries (healthy lunch, eh?) and one of the girls who worked there happened to catch my attention. She had on a whole lot of eye makeup. Like a whoooooooole lot. In fact, I could not stop staring at her. She reminded me of what Katy Perry looks like in that ET video:

Only this girl was not pretty. Aaaaand the makeup made her look more like a circus clown than a super sexified space alien. Back to the drawing board, Bobo!!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I seriously need thicker walls and like 3 more excedrin pm's. This is going to be a long night....

Oh hey, remember that one time I married Robert Downey Jr?

What, you don't remember? Here, lemme refresh your memory:


This is what happens when you go digging around in old boxes and find wedding pictures. What in the world do you do with wedding pictures when you are not actually married anymore?? Can I sell them at a yard sale or something?? jk (sorta). It really seemed like a totally reasonable thing to play around with Photoshop and take what should be a sadness inducing photo and turn it into something that makes me laugh. Maybe it'll make you laugh too. Bobby, what do you think? Funny right? Next I will make one for you where I paste in a picture of Eliza Dushku. You're welcome!! ;)

Aaaaaand, I am not ashamed to admit that this particular photo is what has inspired me to get my ass back into the gym with a much higher level of commitment and enthusiasm. I used to be thin. *sigh*

Why I would rather become a nun than rely on online dating....

I have been back "on the market" (like real estate. awesome.) for almost a year now. I haven't ever gone that long without being in a relationship before. Well, at least not since I hit the age of 17. I am not the type of girl who has to have a boyfriend, it just seems to always happen that I am not single for long. My point is that the last 10ish months have been an interesting adventure in dating. I have made it a point to not jump in to a relationship, and really sort of explore my options and think about what I really want. I think I have narrowed down my list of "Must haves" to a manageable size:

1- Must be gorgeous.
2- Must be funny.
3- Must have an IQ higher than that of a banana slug. I kissed one once, at camp. But that will never happen again.
4- Must like foreign film.
5- Must love animals.
6- Must have a job, or job prospect on the horizon. Basically, must not be content to sit around and collect unemployment until forced to re-join the workforce.... probably at McDonald's. Yes, I would like fries with that, thank you.
7- Must be Robert Downey Jr.
8- #7 is not negotiable.

While on my quest for the perfect man (read: Robert Downey Jr.), I was encouraged to try online dating by a friend. I know a lot of people who have tried online dating and had success with it. So I figured I would give it a shot. At the very least, I figured it would make for an entertaining story. Boy howdy....

I should start by saying that I generally do not have a hard time getting a date. The reason I decided to turn to the internet is because I wanted to meet someone outside of my social circle. Someone that I would not have met otherwise. Redding is a small town and I am not a bar crawler.... so it makes it a little difficult to meet new people. I am tired of my guy friends hitting on me. I am tired of my friends trying to set me up with their friends (who usually end up being unavailable and possibly with a pregnant girlfriend. WTF, guys? Seriously? This is who you want to set me up with?). Actually, if said new guy from the internet doesn't know a single person that I know, that would be just fine by me.

So with a renewed sense of adventure, I created my profile and posted it for all of the dating challenged world to see. EEEEEK!  

Here are some things I learned during my brief foray into the world of online dating and some tips I would like to extend to the men out there, trying to find a girl:

1- If a person does not have a picture, it is because they are hideous with like 3 eyeballs or a horn or something. Seriously. This is 2011, we all have digital cameras, or at the very least a cell phone that can take a picture. It's not like you have to develop a roll of film, scan your picture and then upload it. It takes two seconds. So if you are choosing not to post one, it is because you are hiding what you look like.  You can give me some line of bullshit about how you don't want to attract people who are only interested in you for your looks, blah blah blah.... but for real, you wouldn't walk up to some girl in a bar without a face, right? What we look like is our first impression to the world, get over it and get a goddamned picture already. 

2- If you do have pictures but every one is of you without your shirt on (clearly this is for guys), you are probably a giant douche lord. 

3- Under no circumstance is it EVER ok for you to email me and ask "Does the carpet match the drapes?". Not unless you want me to hunt you down and punch you in the (probably very tiny) cock. The same goes for telling me all the lovely things  you want to do all over my face. If these sorts of emails work for you ever, I will be surprised. Unless of course you are sending them to someone who moonlights as a stripper, or someone seeking "intimate encounters", or whatever the hell they call it. Either way, that is not me! 

 This is actually pretty hilarious

4- You should probably not join a dating site if you are not, in fact, ready to date.

5- If you are going to email someone, please make a point to say more than one sentence.  It is hard, at least for me, to get a conversation going when all you send me is "Hi". Take like 10 seconds out of your day and tell my why you decided to write to me. Maybe ask what I think of the weather..... anything. Just make it 4 sentences minimum. Thanks. And while you are at it, please don't abbreviate or use that obnoxious texting shorthand. I need to know that you have a firm grasp on sentence structure and punctuation.

6- On your profile you should probably not bash dating sites, because here you are, on a dating site. Clearly your winning personality isn't getting you dates out in "the real world".

7- Don't send me lots of cool emails on the dating site, then ask to be my facebook friend, and when I add you stop talking to me altogether. Did you just want to cyber-stalk me in the background for awhile?

8- I am fairly certain that I very clearly indicated that I was a female looking for a male. Not female looking for female.... so ladies, knock it off. Lesbians dig me, I don't get it.

9- You should not ever call me honey, sexy, sweetie, baby, or doll until such a time that I decide if I even like you well enough to date you (actually, I am going to reserve this for just while in an actual relationship). It's obnoxious. That's probably just me though, don't take that as gospel for all girls on dating sites, maybe they like that.

10- Just try not to be a pervert or a jerk. It's not that hard. And girls, stop being whiny, needy, codependent basket cases. You are making it hard for the rest of us to prove we are normal. 

All in all, I can't be too hard on online dating; I have met a couple really nice guys online. Although these nice guys will probably not end up being anything more than good friends, I do not consider it a wasted effort. There is one that could potentially be more than that, and that makes me smile :) I don't have an online profile anymore and I am breathing easier now that I am not worried about what kind of ridiculous/offensive/cringe worthy email I will get next, haha!!

Friday, May 13, 2011

The safeway parking lot is possibly the 4th level of HELL

Safeway is the closest grocery store to my office (I don't count Holiday, because that is a crappy store), so I find myself there a couple times a week to get something for lunch or whatever. I have almost died 3 times this week in the Safeway parking lot because it is like the equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle and all reason (and traffic laws) ceases to exist there.

For help in explaining how this happens, I have drawn a picture. After seeing this picture, you will understand why I do not rely on my own artwork to accentuate my blog posts..... be gentle, it's my first time.

So as you can see, I am driving along towards the Safeway store, obeying all traffic laws. I am not required to stop because THERE IS NO 4 WAY STOP by the Golden 1 bank and Starbucks. They must stop. I do not have to. Because I am better. Because I have prettier hair. Because my name is Becky. BECAUSE I WIN.

But starbucks asshole, and bank asshole care not for the trivial rules of the road. They think themselves to be above the law, and apparently, above common courtesy.  They both proceed at the same time to cross in front of me. What I don't understand is that even if neither of them saw that I did not have stop sign and thought I should have stopped...... they could clearly tell from my lack of braking that I was not going to be stopping. And they still went anyway!  I slam on my breaks and lay on my horn and yell all types of colorful four letter words because.... well I can. They both look at me like "What? Duhhhhhhh".

The truly infuriating part of this is that this one instance is merely an example of what happens to me on a bi-weekly basis in the Safeway parking lot. I have a feeling that this must happen to others too. It can't just be me. Maybe if they put up a sign at the starbucks stop sign and the Golden 1 bank stop sign that says "Cross traffic does not stop".... that would be swell. But then again, maybe no one can read in the Bermuda Triangle.  
I can blog from my phone. Oh yes. I can.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Happiness is....

Sometimes happiness is just letting go of things you have absolutely no control over.  I am not responsible for other people acting like assholes.... and I am tired of stressing about it. La la la.....

Thursday, May 5, 2011

980 is lots, yo!

According to the stats button on my blogger dashboard thingy,  my blog was viewed 980 (as in, nine hundred and eighty) times last month!

And it was viewed 47 times today when I haven't even posted anything new or posted a link on my Facebook begging peeps to check out my random words.  What could it mean??

Or there is also the possibility that my internet stalker is solely responsible and checks my blog a whoooooole lot.

Either way.... I think I am diggin it. Thanks guys for reading stuff that means absolutely nothing to you!!  I shall continue to post random and/or offensive and/or socially and politically relevant blogs. Depends on my mood ;)