Friday, April 29, 2011

Will work for slightly more than peanuts and the occasional pat on the head. Willing to travel.

Tiiiiiiiiiiired of this job and sneaky liars who I would rather swallow razor blades than work with......

It may be time to start looking around and seeing what is out there. I have a feeling that there is a job out there where I can utilize my various talents and be appreciated. These talents include, but are not limited to:

*I am a master of the multi-line phone system.  

*I know all the lines in the movie "So I Married an Axe Murderer".

*I file like a mother fucker.

*I have an office plant that I have managed to not kill for over 3 years now!
 Actual plant. Doesn't it look happy?

*I am really good at making telemarketers/solicitors cry.

*I am VERY organized. My OCD will not allow me to be otherwise.

*I know the difference between your and you're. Also their, there, and they're. I also use them correctly in correspondence.

*I am really good at conflict resolution. Mostly because I am always right. And you are wrong. I win.

*I play well with others and I know how to share.

There are more things, probably more important things, like my managerial skills and professional demeanor (which clearly does not translate well to my blog) that I should mention.... but pshhhhh, that is what resumes are for.

So let me know if any of you cool cats know of anyone looking to hire a super cool person (me) to dramatically improve the awesome level of your workplace.

That, my friends, is self-promotion.

Awesome like a hot dog!


  1. I want a personal assistant. Very little of your actual skill will be required for the job. I only need you to make sure that I'm wearing all of my uniform pieces in the morning, remind me to respond to pressing emails, and ensure that I am aware of work responsibility that I have accepted in passing while en route to get coffee. Basically I need someone to be my 'Kenneth the Page' a la 30 Rock.

  2. Plus I travel a LOT. And I'm willing to issue pats on the head.

  3. Um, I would be really good at allll of that. Can I add pieces of flair to your uniform? A la Office Space?

  4. Only on occassion.. Unfortunately I have a designated collection of flair items that I'm allowed to wear.. But you would like them; lots of colors :)