Friday, April 8, 2011

B word. With a capital B.

I can be kind of a meanie. Not an awesome blue meanie, like this one:
But more like a tell-you-exactly-what-I-think-and-I-am-sorry-if-it-hurts-your-feelings meanie.
The thing is.... I don't really do it on purpose. I definitely don't do it with the intent of hurting feelings.  Unless of course you are being a douchebag to me. Then I mean it. But 99% of the time, I am not on a secret magical quest to make my friends cry and convince total strangers that I am a giant asshole. So when I say something insensitive or hurtful, even if I was just trying to joke around, I do genuinely feel bad about it. 

Things you may not know about Becky: 
1) She has a GIANT mushy marshmallow heart. However, it is guarded like a maximum security prison. So it is easier to pretend that she just doesn't give a shit about anything as opposed to showing that she cares and then being made to regret it by nasty, hurtful people.
2)  She would do absolutely ANYTHING for a friend or someone she cares about. Well, she won't pick lice out of your hair, or clean your toilet.... but I think you get the idea. Definitely someone you can count on in a pinch.
3)  She secretly likes children. Not loud, run amok children, or children who want to rub boogers on her.... but generally speaking kids are alright by her. Especially her nieces and nephews, and spirit nieces and nephews and her friends children.  She doesn't want her own, and people can't wrap their brain around that unless they can qualify it by the fact that she must hate them. She plays along, pretends to bake kids in pies and eat them for breakfast.... but really, they are alright.   And maybe someday...... she might actually meet a guy who changes her mind about the whole not wanting a baby thing. Stranger things have happened.
4) She is honest to a fault. Can be brutally honest. But she will never tell you anything, truth or otherwise, simply to hurt you. She does not get joy out of making others unhappy, contrary to popular belief.
5) she also really likes macaroni and cheese.

We all know what a self fulfilling prophecy is, right?  Just in case you don't:

"The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come 'true'"

Sometimes, when you say that something or someone is a certain way for long enough, it just becomes more and more true. Like it's a joke among my friends that I am the "Bitch". I originally became the proud owner of that title because I am the one who will tell it like it is, and will say what I feel even if it is not the popular or acceptable opinion to have. I don't feel like I am doing anyone a service by blowing smoke up their ass. I am that girl that my friends come to when they want an honest opinion. They know they will get it from me, and that I won't just tell them what they want to hear. And when I have had this title for as long as I have, it is almost hard to NOT be a bitch about some stuff. I play it up because that is my role.  I feel like it is expected of me even. I have become the bitch.  And I am alright with that, for the most part. I prefer to think of myself as honest, empowered and outspoken, but I realize that most people can't tell the difference :p

What I am not alright with is my friends thinking that I don't care about their feelings, or that I somehow strive to and enjoy making them feel like less than what they are... beautiful, intelligent, amazing women. 

It has come to my attention that saying it like it is can be too much for delicate natured people. Feelings get hurt. But what I find the most baffling is that no seems to think that my feelings are able to be hurt. It has taken me a long time to get to this point in my life. I rarely let things get to me. I pride myself on being able to, for the most part, let things roll off my back. Those things include, but are not limited to, being called a bitch whether you are teasing me or not, being made fun of for how much I "despise" children and what an awful parent I would be, and being teased about "getting around" because I have been on a few dates lately.  See, I know that it is all in fun, I know that my friends don't honestly believe that any of those things are true about me, it's just how we play around. But since I know that to be true, it would be nice if the same willingness to take a joke was extended to me on occasion instead of always having to feel bad for thinking that I can play around with my friends they same way they do with me. I swear I am not a total heartless monster! I am only a little bit heartless monster... Look at me, being a sad Eeyore and losing sleep because my friends think I am mean :(  This is not like me.
Well I have blah blah blah'd on for long enough. Here are some funny things I found when I googled "Bitch":

You can hate me the one day out of 100 that I wake up feeling beautiful for in fact, being beautiful. But the good news is that you can hate me for being an asshole every day :D

 It's true.... I do love leaves.

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