Monday, March 21, 2011

The first rule of fight club.....

Over the course of my 30 years, I have developed a list of rules. I do not expect you to have the same life rules that I do, but these are the ones that I follow in an effort to avoid getting in trouble, embarrassed, sick, heartbroken, or stabbed. And some that I follow in order to keep my sanity and make me a happy person. This is most definitely an abbreviated list, there are way too many "Becky-isms" to list in one blog ;)

1. Do not eat stupid food. And by stupid, I mean do not eat food with instructions intended for stupid people.  I am an intelligent woman, I do not need for the packaging on a product to tell me to "Microwave until heated".  Obviously I am not putting my food in the microwave to cool it down.  If something is so obvious that it doesn't need to be stated, but is stated anyway for the benefit of people who probably can't operate a microwave anyway.... just put that food down and make yourself a sandwich.  It's better for you than the Cinnabon pancakes anyway.

2. Do not listen to sad, depressing, or rage inducing music more than 50% of the time. This is just me, but when I listen to too much angry music I find myself gripping the steering wheel of my car a little bit too tightly and just waiting for a reason to run someone off the road.  When this happens I switch over to some light easy listening and suddenly my world is zen again.  If you are sitting around crying all the time or being a sad Eeyore, you should probably listen to "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire. You're welcome.

3. Don't even own ugly underwear. The one time that you are wearing them and don't want anyone to see them, that will be the time they will be seen.  Avoid this by only having cute sexy undies. And if you are a dude, you shouldn't wear tighty whiteys. Ever. 
This is the only time that granny panties have ever been close to sexy

4. Don't kiss boys whose last name you do not know. This will keep you from doing other things with boys whose last name you do not know.

5. Verbalize what you want. The mere act of putting it out in the universe increases the chances of it happening. Instead of thinking "Gee, I sure would like a cookie", say "Bitch, get me a cookie!". 

6. Do not let your friends make you feel like you aren't a good friend because you do not feed into their neuroses.  Sometimes you just have to say, "I love you, but gurrrl you are acting cray cray". You shouldn't ever encourage needy, or psychotic behavior. 

7. Always get your oil changed regularly.  I have a feeling that this has definitely contributed to my low occurrence rate of tow truck calls. Lubed= Happy.  Hehehehe.

8. Do not facebook stalk people. It's just creepy.  Unless of course, it's me. You can facebook stalk me ;p

9. Carry pepper spray. There are some crazy fools out there!

10. Tell your parents/family that you love them every time you leave or get off the phone. You never know, you might not have the opportunity again.

11. Have a pet. Nothing is quite as nice as having a little critter that is always excited when you get home from work :) This might not work with fish.... but I don't really know. I am not a fish person.  The down side of pet- that look I get when I come home late. It says "Mom, where have you been? We need attention!!".  But I am usually forgiven by morning time :)

12. Don't hold grudges.  It makes you an angry bitter person.  

13. Don't expect that people can read your mind and know what you are thinking or how you are feeling.  I have had more disagreements in my life because of someone thinking that I should have known something that I was never told.  If I could read minds, I sure as hell would not being working at a desk for not enough money. Say what you want!!

14. Always make a point to smell good. You never know who is going to end up standing close to you.

15. It's totally ok to splurge on things that make you feel good!  Of course I don't have to spend $100 to get my hair done. I am sure I could go to walmart and get a $20 cut from some woman with no teeth and a spiky green mohawk..... but I like my soothing spa/salon and my cute and funny stylist who offers me candies and uses organic products. I leave that place feeling like a super model (at least from my forehead up) and that, to me, is worth it. **This rule should be amended to say that, it's ok to splurge on things that make you feel good and are good for you.... not, like, hookers and blow.**


  1. #16. Never EVER get a pedicure at Wal-Mart. EVER!

  2. i think you should start a new diet revolution called don't eat stupid food. my other comment was wittier. but now i'm over it.

  3. I am sorry my blog previously hated you Suz... but it loves you now :)