Friday, March 25, 2011

Is it socially acceptable to pimp out your parrot?

These are my birds, Scooter (left) and Oscar (right):
They are both males. Now, I haven't had them DNA tested, which is really the only way to know for certain the sex of these birds, but believe me when I tell you that I KNOW that they are males. There are certain traits that the males have that females usually do not. That, and they just act like rude little boys almost all of the time.

I have had Oscar for almost 4 years now.  Oscar was not hand raised. Meaning that the closest thing he had to human interaction was when they would change out the food in his cage at the pet store. He can be mean and he bites. Hard. It took me almost 6 months of working with him before he would sit calmly on my finger without trying to disfigure me. When I say "Sit calmly" I really mean that he would begrudgingly agree to sit on my finger while I waved treats in his little face and said "Who's a pretty bird?" over and over again.  I'm lucky he didn't peck my eyes out.  Over the course of the next couple years we formed a bond.  He loved me. He would climb down off his cage and walk all the way across the living room (His wings are clipped, he can't fly) to sit on my shoulder and have his head scratched. It was a far cry from when he used to hide at the back of his cage. I was so excited that he had become such a great little companion. He was (still is) spoiled absolutely rotten. He sings the cutest little songs too. I have taught him "Shave and a haircut" and he wolf whistles (only at men) and does this neener neener thing that is pretty funny. The best though is when he makes these crazy mash-ups of all three.

I began to feel bad about all the time that Oscar spent alone while I was at work. Parrots are very social creatures and they require a lot of attention.  I would wonder to myself what Oscar did allllll day long with no one talking to him, no noises or anything to keep his attention.  I figured that I should get him a buddy. With the help of my friend Jesse (who also has cockatiels, so we are like birdy soul mates), we found an adorable little white faced cockatiel on Craigslist. His name back then was Angel.  I thought that was a stupid name.  Angel was free to a good home and $50 for his cage, which was really more like a $300 cage. He, unlike Oscar, was hand raised and very tame. So $50 later, I had Scooter, as he was renamed, and Oscar had a new best friend. And the two of them share that bitchin cage.

Scooter has been part of the family now for a little over a year.  He and Oscar are inseparable. Literally. I can't have one on my shoulder and leave the room without them calling out to each other like it's the end of the world and they will never see each other again. It's ridiculous.

This where is gets funny though. Being that they are both male, it would be totally understandable for them to have a little birdy bromance, you know, they both like to chew shoe laces, poop on the floor, squawk really loudly for no reason, and cause general mischief. Oscar though, seems to have a bit of gay birdy love for Scooter.  He has tried I don't know how many times to climb on top of Scooter and mount him. Scooter does not like it very much, naturally, and has to lay the smack down to make his point.  But Oscar is not deterred. He will sing his best little mating songs at Scooter at full volume, just screaming for love. Scooter is bored, and unimpressed. Oscar searches out dark little corners and whatever shred-able material he can find to make a nest. And he looks at Scooter with a look that says "See, the love nest I have built for us?" Scooter remains uninterested.
Attempting to make a nest out of mini blind chord

Because Oscar's love has gone unrequited for so long, he has resorted to alternative methods of um.... how should I say this..... satisfying his manly bird urges.  Oscar's newest love interest is now a "special" spot on his perch. He really really likes that spot. It's not at all out of the ordinary now to be sitting on the couch, watching TV or talking to Deana, and to look over and see Oscar just going to town on that poor perch. He gets so excited sometimes and so into it, that he has fallen off and onto his head. Deana and I, unsure what to really do about it, or if we really should even do anything, just try to ignore him :p  It can be a bit embarrassing when we have guests over. "Um, what is your bird doing?", someone will ask. We usually respond with some version of "Oh, just don't look directly at him, he'll fall off the perch soon".

So what I am wondering is, should I find a female birdy for Oscar to spend some alone time with?  I don't want to get another bird, so it would have to be a friends bird or something like that. And then I wonder, if once he has had his way with a female, will he be even more sex crazed, or will it calm him down? All I know, is that the little horny brat is driving me nuts!

I am worried that if I can't figure out some way to mellow his urges, this will happen to people when they come over:


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Love makes the world go round

-Longest relationship:
Almost 5 years. And it was long distance at that!

-Shortest relationship:
4 months.

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you?:
4. But the first one doesn't really count. We were very very young and had no real idea what love was. And when I say young, I mean it was 8th grade. We hardly even held hands if I recall correctly.

-Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were with?:
Yes. And I did. I also thought that I was going to divorce someone that I was with, and I did that too.

-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?:
No. I am not really sure how that goes. Its possible for the person you love to hurt you, but love itself is a great thing, it shouldn't hurt. Maybe I am doing it wrong.... ?

-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Yeah. I can be pretty brutal with words. 
-Are you happier single or in a relationship?
Happier in a relationship. Not because I need a man to make me happy, but because I am a pretty affectionate person. I want to hold someone's hand, and kiss them, and snuggle!  Deana looks at me funny when I try to snuggle with her :p  No, I definitely do not need a man for happiness. However, I do need a man for: 
1. Killing spiders, because I literally have a mini heart attack when I attempt to do it myself.
2. Reaching things on the top shelf. I am short.
3. Sex. It's just not as fun by myself.
-Have you ever been cheated on?
Yep, by every guy I have dated except one (And he probably did too and I just don't know about it). That sucks a lot. If I am being honest here, my self esteem has taken a giant hit because of it. Nothing makes me feel pretty and desirable like not being able to keep my man's interest. Yay me. I am not a prude and I like sex. A lot. I've never been the "sorry, I have a headache" girlfriend that pushes her man to other women. What the hell is going on here??  Are all men just players?  That must be it.

-Have you ever cheated on anyone?
Almost. It was not my finest moment. I still regret it. The relationship was basically over, but that still doesn't excuse it.

-Have you ever had your heart broken?
Twice. It doesn't feel great.

-Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I don't know. No one has ever seemed all that broken up to me. Maybe guys hide it better.

-Talk to any of your ex's?
All but one. Just because you can't be in a relationship with someone anymore does not mean that the original reasons you liked them as a person aren't there anymore.  It has definitely taken me longer to come around to some than others :p The plus side to being friends with them is that I don't care if they are man whores, cause they aren't doing it to me.  I can sit back and feel sorry for their new girlfriends, haha!

-If you could go back in time and change things to where you could still be with one of your ex's, would you?

Nope. Those relationships ended for good reasons.  And I am happy where I am at now.

-Think any of your ex's feel the same way?
I don't think any of them want me back.  Well maybe one..... but I just pretend to not know that. It makes me feel squirmy :p

-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
I think so. I try. 

-Have you dated people who were not good for you?

-Have you been in an abusive relationship?
Yes. Abusive relationships are not a good time. Probably the darkest point in my life. I ran into him about a year ago and literally felt like I was going to vomit. 

-Have you dated someone older then you?
6 years older.

-Dated someone younger then you?
5 years younger.

-Do you regret anything that you have or havent done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Hehehe, is this a dirty question?  Because aside from some clothing optional activities, no there isn't anything that I regret not doing ;) As for what I do regret doing..... I can't really think of anything.

- Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

No. I rarely give out second chances. We all know right from wrong. We should have to live with the consequences of our actions. If you screw me over why would I want to let you do it again?

-Believe in love at first sight?
No. That is just stupid. I believe that you can have chemistry at first sight. That's it though. How could you possible love someone you don't even know?

-Ever dated two people at once?
Yes. But not like in serious relationships where we weren't supposed to see other people. I am talking about casually dating.

-Ever been given an Engagement ring?
Yes. I think it is still in my jewelry box.

-Do you have something to say to any of your ex's?
Not really. I am pretty good at saying what I want to say. I don't hold much back.

-Ever stole someones boyfriend or girlfriend?

Hahaha, no. But apparently I did steal a guy that my friend was interested in. Even though I asked her if she had a thing for him and she said no.  My mind reading powers must have been on the fritz that day ;p

-Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?
Nope. No offense to any of my friends, but your men are not really my type :p
-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds? 
Worse than it sounds.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Pants on the gound!

I work for a construction company and  I am the only female employee. Well, we have a bookkeeper who comes in for about 6 hours a week, but she doesn't really count. The testosterone level around here is HIGH. I brought a candle to set on my desk awhile back and my boss whined and cried about how he didn't like the fruity scent until I finally got rid of it. He's right, the smell of sweaty, dirty, man-ass coming out of the bathroom is much better than my apple harvest candle.

I am pretty much one of the guys here. By that, I mean that the honeymoon phase of my relationship with these men, when they watched their language, kept their offensive jokes to themselves, and generally pretended to be well mannered gentlemen, lasted approximately 6 weeks. I have been here for 3 years now. A couple weeks ago Jeff (our foreman) said something especially crude (I can't really even remember what it was now), looked at me for a second like he thought he might have offended me, then just shrugged it off and said "Oh, it's just Becky".  Yep, it's just me.  

The dress code for the office is nothing more than jeans and sweaters, but sometimes, just for fun, I like to freak them out and I wear a skirt or dress. They all look at me like I am a space alien. Yes boys, that's right, I am a female! 

I know that fact is often forgotten when things like this happen......

So the other day I was sitting at my desk, working on a spreadsheet or something and having a conversation with my boss. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, but I wasn't really looking directly at him because I was looking at my super important and exciting Excel document.  As I was typing away thinking to myself "Blah blah blah, I love to type, blah blah blah" I noticed what I thought was my boss unbuttoning his pants.  I thought to myself, "no, that can't be. I am sitting RIGHT HERE". So I swiveled my chair around to face him directly and just stared for a moment while he attempted to, I think, tuck his shirt in.  Before I could help it, I kind of shrieked "Are you taking your pants off?!?" He turned bright red and mumbled something about fixing his shirt. I don't think I have ever laughed so hard.  I politely reminded him that pants/shirt adjustments should probably take place in the restroom and not in front of the desk of his only female employee. People might get the wrong idea ;p 

Monday, March 21, 2011

The first rule of fight club.....

Over the course of my 30 years, I have developed a list of rules. I do not expect you to have the same life rules that I do, but these are the ones that I follow in an effort to avoid getting in trouble, embarrassed, sick, heartbroken, or stabbed. And some that I follow in order to keep my sanity and make me a happy person. This is most definitely an abbreviated list, there are way too many "Becky-isms" to list in one blog ;)

1. Do not eat stupid food. And by stupid, I mean do not eat food with instructions intended for stupid people.  I am an intelligent woman, I do not need for the packaging on a product to tell me to "Microwave until heated".  Obviously I am not putting my food in the microwave to cool it down.  If something is so obvious that it doesn't need to be stated, but is stated anyway for the benefit of people who probably can't operate a microwave anyway.... just put that food down and make yourself a sandwich.  It's better for you than the Cinnabon pancakes anyway.

2. Do not listen to sad, depressing, or rage inducing music more than 50% of the time. This is just me, but when I listen to too much angry music I find myself gripping the steering wheel of my car a little bit too tightly and just waiting for a reason to run someone off the road.  When this happens I switch over to some light easy listening and suddenly my world is zen again.  If you are sitting around crying all the time or being a sad Eeyore, you should probably listen to "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire. You're welcome.

3. Don't even own ugly underwear. The one time that you are wearing them and don't want anyone to see them, that will be the time they will be seen.  Avoid this by only having cute sexy undies. And if you are a dude, you shouldn't wear tighty whiteys. Ever. 
This is the only time that granny panties have ever been close to sexy

4. Don't kiss boys whose last name you do not know. This will keep you from doing other things with boys whose last name you do not know.

5. Verbalize what you want. The mere act of putting it out in the universe increases the chances of it happening. Instead of thinking "Gee, I sure would like a cookie", say "Bitch, get me a cookie!". 

6. Do not let your friends make you feel like you aren't a good friend because you do not feed into their neuroses.  Sometimes you just have to say, "I love you, but gurrrl you are acting cray cray". You shouldn't ever encourage needy, or psychotic behavior. 

7. Always get your oil changed regularly.  I have a feeling that this has definitely contributed to my low occurrence rate of tow truck calls. Lubed= Happy.  Hehehehe.

8. Do not facebook stalk people. It's just creepy.  Unless of course, it's me. You can facebook stalk me ;p

9. Carry pepper spray. There are some crazy fools out there!

10. Tell your parents/family that you love them every time you leave or get off the phone. You never know, you might not have the opportunity again.

11. Have a pet. Nothing is quite as nice as having a little critter that is always excited when you get home from work :) This might not work with fish.... but I don't really know. I am not a fish person.  The down side of pet- that look I get when I come home late. It says "Mom, where have you been? We need attention!!".  But I am usually forgiven by morning time :)

12. Don't hold grudges.  It makes you an angry bitter person.  

13. Don't expect that people can read your mind and know what you are thinking or how you are feeling.  I have had more disagreements in my life because of someone thinking that I should have known something that I was never told.  If I could read minds, I sure as hell would not being working at a desk for not enough money. Say what you want!!

14. Always make a point to smell good. You never know who is going to end up standing close to you.

15. It's totally ok to splurge on things that make you feel good!  Of course I don't have to spend $100 to get my hair done. I am sure I could go to walmart and get a $20 cut from some woman with no teeth and a spiky green mohawk..... but I like my soothing spa/salon and my cute and funny stylist who offers me candies and uses organic products. I leave that place feeling like a super model (at least from my forehead up) and that, to me, is worth it. **This rule should be amended to say that, it's ok to splurge on things that make you feel good and are good for you.... not, like, hookers and blow.**

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

When did I get old and creaky?

About 7 years ago I hurt my back pretty badly.  I did it in the most bizarre way you could imagine. In fact, I'll give you a few seconds to try to take a guess as to how it happened......

Any guesses? No? Ok, I will just tell you.  I hurt my back while shoving a casket (with a body in it) into the back of a hearse. It was after a service was over and my Pall Bearers had all left, thinking they had satisfactorily completed their task.  Unfortunately, they hadn't pushed the casket allllll the way in and I couldn't shut the door of the hearse.  The casket was on rollers, it shouldn't have been that big of a deal, right? Right. So I took a deep breath and shoved, hard. Bad idea.  I managed to get the casket all the way in but I could feel it in my lower back. My body was not happy with me.  I didn't think much of it though, just finished out the work day and headed home.

The next day I was standing in the living room and I reached down onto the couch to pick up and fold a blanket, and the next thing I knew I felt a pop and a burning sensation spreading all across my lower back. It was strange and a little scary since I hadn't felt anything like it before. I was still able to move around but it was definitely sore and I was moving slowly.

Over the course of the next 3 days it got progressively worse until I was not able to get up out of bed without help and I couldn't even use the restroom by myself.  I was still married when this happened, and my ex husband was a volunteer firefighter at the time.  He convinced me that I had to go to the chiropractor and figure out what was wrong. I agreed and made the appointment. The next morning before my appointment I explained to EH (ex husband) that since I had been bed bound for the last three days, I was absolutely not going out in public without taking a shower. 

And this is where it all goes wrong......

EH helps me get into the shower and leaves the room so that I can glam up for my chiropractor appointment.  As I was standing there in the shower the pain got worse and worse and the combination of the hot water and the pain made me feel very nauseous.  The next thing I knew, I was getting sick, and falling in the shower. I managed to fall into this weird position of being half in the bathtub and half out.  Obviously, EH heard the commotion and came in to find out what happened. He tried to figure out a way to move me and to help me get up, but I was in so much pain that all I could do was yell at him to "Stop f*ing touching me!!".  I was a sobbing mess and there was nothing he could do. Sooooo what do you think his solution was? Well, call some other fire fighters, of course!!  One of our good friends from the dept shows up to assist EH and his soggy, naked, crying broken wife. This was not my finest moment.  I tried to stay as covered as possible but I am pretty sure that Jeff got more than an eyeful of me.  Between the two of them, they managed to dress me in some huge baggy sweatpants, a giant fire dept t-shirt and two miss-matched socks.  They put me into the car and off to the doctors we went.

I don't actually remember much of what happened at the Chiropractor's office. I vaguely recall him attempting to take some x-rays and trying to adjust me, but all I could do was scream every time he touched me.  In the end, he was at such a loss as to what to do for me that he called an ambulance and sent me to the emergency room. 

Ambulance rides are not fun. Ambulance rides that are being staffed by EMT"s that I knew and was friends with through the fire dept was embarrassing to say the least.  I was a mess. I was demanding pain medication. And they kept giving it to me until I was told I couldn't have any more. At that point the pain was still there, and major, but at least I felt like I could breathe.  We got to the hospital and they wheeled me on a stretcher into the emergency room.  There were no available triage rooms and so some nurse wheeled me up against a wall in the hallway and left me there. EH left me to do something, I won't pretend to remember what it was, I just know that suddenly I was alone. On a stretcher. In a hospital hallway.  And I was drugged out of my f*ing mind.  It suddenly was painfully clear to me that I looked homeless. I had wet matted hair from my shower, mismatched socks, and giant baggy sweats on. I was back to sobbing again and trying to explain to anyone who passed me that I wasn't really homeless and ugly. I was aware that my words were slurred and I was making little to no sense.  They probably all thought I was a tweak.  And after that.... it all sort of fades to black.  I know that they kept me at the hospital long enough for the swelling to go down in my back, did an MRI and informed me that I have a bulging disk.  Of course there was nothing they could do about it, because it wasn't serious enough for surgery. So once the swelling went down and I could relax enough to move without crying, they gave me a bunch more drugs, a smack on the ass (not really) and sent me home.  It was the most painful, and humiliating experience of my life.  And I am so glad that so many of my friends were able to witness it, haha! :p  Poor EH, he was a good sport about it. He still liked me after that, even though I know I was probably breathing fire at him the entire time.

Two days later I was able to return to work. I had appointments with my Chiropractor three times a week for about 4 months after that. Fun times. 
After that little adventure it seems that it doesn't take much for me to throw my back out.  In fact, yesterday I was standing in the office and I was hanging up a Labor Law Poster and I sneezed. That is all it took. I felt it immediately. *Sigh*

So now as I sit here and type this I am taking lots of IB profen and I have my trusty heating pad doing double time. When did this happen to me?  I know I am 30 now, but do I really have to start falling apart like this? :p  Next it's arthritis. And don't even get me started about my carpal tunnel. 

If I don't show up at work tomorrow, Deana is going to have to check my shower and make sure I am not stuck in some awkward position and can't move :p  

Monday, March 14, 2011

Like the 4th of July!

When did we become such big fat whiners?  When did being "bullied" morph from being something that we all deal with as children into something that prompts seemingly well adjusted young adults to hurl themselves off bridges? I just don't get it.

I was bullied as a child. I was made to feel inferior because my family did not have a ton of money. I was teased because I had braces. I was teased because I was awkward and emotional.  I came home from school crying on many occasions.  But I think we all had to deal with that to a certain extent. Almost everyone I know went through some sort of harassment  by their peers.  That's growing up.  The only people that doesn't happen to are the ones who are gorgeous, with perfect skin and hair and teeth, who drive brand new cars and live in fancy houses. And those people I do not envy because they are probably emotionally devoid of the miserable school years that unite the rest of us and give us a common ground.

So what happened to the days when a kid would get picked on and respond with an enthusiastic "Fuck off, ass hat!"? Or an "I don't care what you think because obviously you have the intelligence level of cotton candy"? Instead, it seems that kids now wallow around in self pity until they feel like their only option is to off themselves.  What the hell is going on around here???

I am not trying to be insensitive to the poor kids who felt like that was their only way out..... but really, is life that bad that the only option you think you have is to end it all??  I can't imagine anything in life being that bad. Anything.  I have been through my share of horrible life experiences and felt like I had reached the lowest of low depths, but I have never thought to myself that I was so worthless as a human being that I needed to end my life. Jesus. 

Can we start hugging our (and by our, I mean yours) kids more?  Make them listen to that crappy Lady Gaga and Katy Perry music about how they are perfect the way they are, fireworks or some shit, and tell them that if someone is mean to them to verbally reduce that douche bag to the piece of garbage they are.  You can even let them use my "Fuck off, ass hat!". I don't mind. But we can't keep reinforcing this trend with "You are such a delicate flower. Of course you can go sulk in your room about how awful your life is. Don't forget to take this rope with you" behavior. Teach these kids to stand up for themselves!! Sheesh!

People are going to make fun of you if you dress funny. They are going to make fun of you if you are different then they are. They are definitely going to make fun of you for being gay or lesbian. It's life. People have been going through it for many many many years now. You are not the first person to be the target of a jerk, and there are a lot of cruel people in this world. Don't let it ruin you.  Be a fucking firework already!!!   Ok? Ok.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

F*** You , Blog editor!!!

I don't know how to make my blog posts not have crazy grayed out or color blocked backgrounds. And it's different every time. Grrrrrrrr......  You will not beat me, Blog!! 

Important things that I have learned from Cosmo

I love love love to read. I am reading a great book right now called Carrion Comfort by Dan Simmons. I highly recommend it. Its over 700 pages of very small type, so I am gonna be at it for awhile but I don't really mind that. I am sometimes disappointed when books that I really enjoy are finished too soon. 

As much as I love a good, and by good I mean well written, work of literature I sometimes supplement my growing library with total mindless drivel.  I am not ashamed to admit that I read Cosmo.  I have learned some very important and useful things from Cosmo over the years:

1) Your shoes no longer have to match your handbag. In fact, your shoes don't necessarily need to match anything anymore. They don't even have to be cute anymore.
2) Any perfume that I buy will make me look like a supermodel. Right?
3) There are women who bedazzle their ginas.  With, like, rhinstones.  I didn't investigate this trend far enough to find out.... but I worry that this might involve hot glue.
4) Every man on the planet secretly wants me to stick my finger in his butt. Maybe not me specifically, but you know, they want someone to stick their finger in his butt. I'm not gonna do it though, I don't care what Cosmo says. Gross.
5) Bed hair is sexy. Just not on me. Ever.

I picked up today's issue and the first thing that popped into my head was:

There are 50 ways to have kinky sex with Olivia Wilde

Take THAT, muffin top!!!

Oh, Cosmo..... I <3 you.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Can I get a "Hell Yeah!"?

Oh. my. goodness. Consider this the first of many "Hot sexy pics of RDJ" posts.  This man makes me want to have babies. And by have babies I really mean practice the art of making babies without the actual result of a baby.

Dedicated to my friend Lee Anne, who thinks that she is going to steal Robert away from me. She doesn't know that I will cut a bitch.

I has a blog!

Oooooh, look at me!  I did it!  Much thanks to my amazing and hilarious cousin Ryan, who came up with the super duper name for my blog.  I am not really sure what he is trying to imply, but I'm feelin it.  

Important things that you should know about me:

1) I am a hot mess. As evidenced by my blog title. According to Urban Dictionary, which we all know to be a very reliable source of slang definitions, a hot mess is "When someone's life is a mess but they are still super hot".  Ah yes.  I don't know that I would say my life is a mess, but it can be chaotic. I also don't know that I fall into the hot category, I feel more along the lines of cutesy.  So should I rename this blog to Cutesy Chaos??  Well, it's too late for that now, and besides, I love me some good old fashioned exaggeration.  Let's just go with it!  It's also worth noting that when I typed my name into Urban Dictionary I got this- "Another name for getting head, getting a blowjob, the act of receiving oral sex." Awesome.

2) I swear a lot. So if you are easily offended by my potty mouth.... oopsies. Sorry, but consider yourself warned.

3) I am a smiley whore :) :)

4) I over share. I also have no filter. 

5) I am in love with Robert Downy Jr.

6) I am 30 (ick) and learning a whole lot more about myself in the last 4 months than I have in the last 4 years.  I've got some interesting insights and stories that will be forthcoming shortly.

That's all for now.  I feel like this is a good start to a fun adventure with words! Yay!!!