Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Behold! The power of the blog!

The other day I posted about a whole bunch of little things that were going on in my life.  One point of interest in that post was that my boyfriend (Fiance now.... but that story is for another post) had moved in and all was hugs and kisses and happy bug killing. The only down side was the ridiculous amount of laundry and the fact that the shower gets dirty faster now.

Those words about the shower were only out in the ether for about a day when I came home to find my boyfriend (Fiance.... I am not sure I like writing about him in past tense because I am unsure how to refer to him) cleaning the shower! Like with scrubbing cleaner stuff! It was sparkly!

Ok, students.... what have we learned today? Well, we have learned that if you want something, you should make a blog post about it and the internet Gods will send my boyfriend (Fiance) to scrub your shower! Ok, maybe not that exactly, but you know what I am getting at here.
So let's start our lists, shall we?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

You can call me Bruce

Food for thought:

Having a super cool, superhero power, like being able to tell when someone is lying to your face, isn't nearly as cool as you would expect it to be. Because you can therefore tell when someone that you would hope would be honest with you is, in fact, lying to your face.

With great power comes great responsibility. The responsibility to NOT act like a crazy bitch.

It's no wonder that superheroes, with all their talent and powers are usually still brooding, tortured souls.

You can call me Bruce. Bruce Wayne.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Did you miss me?

It's been a minute. I have been oh so very busy that I haven't had any time really to sit down and spew my opinions and feelings out into the ether....

The good news is, though, that today have oodles of free time!!

So I have decided that this post is going to be a mash-up of a whole bunch of different things.  I have too much on my brain to focus on one topic.  Instead,  I am just going to give you all the latest quick style and we can iron out the details later. Alright? Alright.

Fun fact #1- Boyfriend has basically moved in. It's nice! Kisses goodnight and good morning. He kills bugs for me (I wouldn't make Deana do that) and fixes stuff when it breaks.  He also is an amazing cook. Between him and Deana, it's a wonder  I am not fat(er). Downside? 3 times as much laundry to do. It doesn't make sense.... there are only two of us, yet the laundry load has tripled. And my shower gets dirty faster now that I share it.  I need my housekeeper back!

Fun fact #2 (well this one isn't so fun)- Dad is back in the hospital :(  He had a collapsed stint that caused much of the same type of damage that he had a few years ago. He made it through surgery just fine and is resting comfortably at the hospital. Well as comfortably as they will let him while poking and prodding him.  He will be there for about 3 or 4 more days before they consider letting him go home. So I am back to my old routine of going to the hospital on my lunches to visit with him. I hate the idea of him sitting around there alone without any company.

Fun fact #3-  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new job! That is all.

Fun fact #4- It's always fun when someone says, "Hey, this song reminds me of you".... unless it is this song:

In this case I am just going to say, "Huh?", and move along. I haven't kissed anyone while drunk in a while. Except my boyfriend.... but I think that is allowed ;p

Fun fact #5- Secret things are going on! I should preface this by saying that I am not a fan of secrets and surprises. Well, I don't react well to secrets and surprises. Shock is usually followed quickly by stone cold silence while I process. I am a process type of girl. Can't help it.  Anywho.... how do I know secret things are going on? Well because I hear secret phone calls (obviously not the content or I would know the secret), and I feel like I keep walking in on a conversation I shouldn't be hearing. Everyone shuts up real quick like. Slightly annoying... ok REALLY annoying. But whatev.

Fun fact #6- My birdy, Scooter, was in the garage last week! The back door didn't shut all the way and he must have wandered out there at some point during the day. It's a good thing I didn't run his scrawny butt over!! Moral of this story: Need to start locking the birdies up during the day. Poor things :(  They can come back out when they learn to do this!

Fun fact #7- I have been super duper irritated lately. I think I have been hiding it well.... but I seriously want to punch someone. My phone froze up the other day and I had an almost overpowering urge to throw it out the window!  Lies make me angry... and make my head hurt. I don't like being lied to (Who does?). Apologies are great and all, and I will accept it and attempt to move on, but for reals..... I hold a grudge like a mother fucker. I need to start meditating or something.

I can't think of anything else new or noteworthy at the moment. I will try real hard to keep up on this mo better.


Friday, August 26, 2011

I was wrong about Harry Potter taking over the world

Praying Mantises, or Mantid, or Manti.... or however your want to convey that there are MANY, are taking over the world. Not Harry Potter, as I previously believed.

I know that you will say that a Praying Mantis is not going to murder me in my sleep. It is not going to eat me. It probably won't do anything scary, or noteworthy at all for that matter. They are a slow moving, big eyed, weird looking bug.... but not menacing. Hearing your reassuring words about how harmless they are is not going to prevent me from freaking the fuck out when one gets too close to me. I read that the biggest Praying Mantis recorded was 18" and found in China.  18 inches????  That is HUGE. That is definitely big enough to do this:

The females eat the heads of the males after mating, for fucks sake!!!  They are ruthless killing machines! Kinda badass, if you ask me, but still not something I wanna get all close and cuddly with.

I am 30 years old. 30 and a half if you want to get technical about it. My point in mentioning that is not so you feel bad for me because I am old, but to simply point out that I have been on the earth for a minute or two and I have experienced and seen lots of things.  Of those many things that I have seen, there are Praying Mantids included. But up until about a month ago, I could probably count on both hands and feet how many I had ever seen in my entire life. Less then 20 Praying Mantids in 30 whole years.

In the last month though.... I have seen at least 10. 10 Praying Mantids in 30 DAYS... not years. The first one was walking very slowly, and purposefully across my garage floor towards my car tire. I watched if for a while until it crawled into my wheel, behind the hubcap. I felt a little bad for it because I knew I would be getting in my car shortly and leaving, and it would be mush. But I didn't feel bad enough about it to actually risk getting close to it to stop it from certain death. I am a bitch, I know.

The other 9 that I have seen were all at work. I am actually starting to wonder if the office is built on top of some ancient Praying Mantis burial site, and the pissed off spirits of Praying Mantids past are out to scare me off. It's WORKING!

This one was chilling in my mini blinds.... thinking he was stealthy. I got rid of him using my trusty pink broom.

Hanging upside down. Displaying your circus tricks will not convince me to let you live on my stacker. Nice try! Pink broom for you!

The others have all been lurking around outside by the door, waiting for the opportunity to get in. Three mornings this week I have arrived at work to find one sitting by the door.  I know that it isn't the same one, because they have been different sizes. 

Today, a Praying Mantis tried to kill me. Yes, it's true. I was sitting at my desk, doing data entry, or something equally exciting and soul-sucking, when a Praying Mantis landed (Or swooped purposefully, the jury is till out on this) in my hair. As you can probably imagine, I reacted in a calm, and sane manner.

I was terrified. Luckily, it only took me about 6 hard, flailing whacks to my own head to dislodge the beast from my hair and onto the ground. It was stunned, and I took this opportunity to use pink broom to sweep it outside.

Seriously, where are all of these guys coming from??? Why have I seen so many more recently than I have seen my entire life combined? Most of them seem small and harmless, but today's attack was unprovoked! This is war, Praying Mantids! Consider yourself warned....

 Don't make me start bringing my sword to work!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

So many things!! I have been a major slacker

I have been neglecting my blog!

There has been so much stuff going on lately. Lemme see if I can sum it all up for you.....

I have had some ridiculous work drama going on. I am being micromanaged to the point of insanity. It is a chore to get out of bed every day and make myself go to work. It's so strange because I used to really enjoy my job.  It only takes one person to really ruin things for everyone else. *Sigh*.... at least the evil witchy poo is on a 3 year plan out of here. Only 36 months and I will be FREE!!!!

Deana and I are hoping to move into a 3 bedroom place around the first of the year. We really like our townhouse and are super happy with the location, but it kinda sucks to not have an extra bedroom for guests or.... I don't know, maybe I'll get tired of my bed and want to sleep in the 3rd bedroom. I like having options! Her brother and his wife are moving to Sacramento and are going to rent us their house. It will be nice to have a yard and stuff. And I am pretty sure they will let us paint the walls any color we want... unlike our boring beige paint nazi landlord that we have now. It's win win really, because they won't have to worry about strangers renting their house, and Deana and I save money. Woohoo!!

I've got a man!! I am so happy I could burst and get little squishy happy bits on all of you. I was kind of a dumb ass (by kind of a dumb ass, I really mean SERIOUSLY a dumb ass) and avoided dating him for awhile. Why? Well that is an excellent question. Because....... well dumb ass really sums it up. The good news is that, he was pretty persistent, and didn't totally give up on me.  I finally decided to just stop worrying about things and go for it and that was a really really good decision. He is great! And handsome! And a really good kisser.... which could be why I have been so absent lately. I have been way too busy kissing my handsome boyfriend :D

I have been really slacking at the gym lately. Mostly because it is hard to stay motivated and excited about exercise when I was going 5 (yes, that's right, FIVE) nights a week after work to the gym and lost exactly 0 pounds. I was even eating healthier at the same time. Discouraged is an understatement. When I saw my doctor the other day (I went for my migraines) I mentioned to her that I was really struggling to lose weight and told her my routine. She is going to run some labs on me, and thinks that I possibly have an out of whack thyroid.  If  that is the case, it can be regulated with medication and then hopefully I can try this whole weight loss thing again. Back to the gym I go!!

Life is good. I am a happy girl. I promise to keep up with the blogging. If I start getting too behind, throw something at me or something.

Oh!! One more thing!! "Don't be afraid of the Dark" starts on Friday!!!! I cannot wait to see this movie. I will be sure to let you all know how amazing it is.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Insane in the brain!

I am getting ready to head to a doctors appointment so I can get some answers as to why I am having a shit-ton of migraines lately. Yes, Shit-ton is a medical technical term.

And hopefully I will feel all better!!
This picture is super fitting today because I have seen about a gazillion Praying Mantids (I looked it up, that is actually the plural term for Praying Mantis) in the last few weeks. Weird.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

La la la!

I want to quit my job. I wanna do it soooooo bad. I almost walked in this morning and said "Suck it assholes, I am OUTTA HERE!", and marched right back out again. But then I remembered my rent. Stupid rent, ruining all my fun!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

What the.....

Is Harry Potter taking over the world?!  I ventured on to Tumblr.....

**Side note: Tumblr is a strange universe where all the emo kids on the planet meet and post the same "Woe-is-me" gifs over and over and OVER again. All they want to do is sit around and re-blog (obviously it has never occurred to any of them to actually post something original) about how no one loves them, and life is sooooo hard and maybe they should just kill themselves.

Taken directly from tumblr....

Good lord. Of course no one is ever going to love you if you can't get your pasty ass outside and get some fresh air and sunshine. It's pretty much scientific fact that tan people are more lovable than non-tan people. Step away from the computer sad emo kid.

Anywho... Harry Potter. Holy cow. Seriously, at least 98% of the content on Tumblr is Harry Potter related.  They should put a sticker on their server that says "Powered by Potter".

I am not trying to be a Harry Potter hater, but it baffles my mind.  Did Harry Potter cure cancer while I wasn't looking? (Oh wait, that was Bono). I don't understand the obsession. I tried, my boyfriend and I even had a mini Harry Potter marathon a couple weekends ago. It wasn't really planned, we were just too lazy to find anything else on TV and they were having a marathon on ABC family or something. We both kept saying "Gosh, this is like the longest movie ever", until we realized that we were actually on movie #3.

*scratches head*

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and makes that duck face.....

It's probably a hooker.

If I do not understand something, I tend to immediately dislike it ;p  I definitely do not understand the duckface trend. It's like an epidemic. It's spreading across Facebook. Make sure and sanitize regularly or you may catch this awful face disease.

What are we trying to say with this face, ladies?  Are your teeth bad? Does something smell yucky? Do you need to poop?

Whatever happened to smiling for pictures? Smiling makes you seem happy and approachable. Duckface makes you seem.... constipated.  I am going to conduct a small experiment here. I am going to take two pictures, and you tell me which one makes me seem like a nice, relatively attractive person, and which one makes me seem like an idiot. OK? Ok.

Holla!!  Ok, obviously that is not me. This poor girl came up under a search for "Duckface" in google images. 

Ok ok, my turn.  So this photo says "Well hi there! I am a super nice girl. Dental hygiene is important to me. I am happy and like rainbows and ponies and you should come talk to me and we can be frieeeeends. Yay!"

This photo says "If I smile you will see my snaggle tooth.  I am a sucked up snobby brat who needs fiber supplements to stay regular. Speaking of regular... I need to go poo now. I'm sexy!"

Please pardon my hair. Ick.

I don't really remember what my point here was. Oh yeah, duck face girls are ridiculous. Smile bitches!! :D

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Need these things

But I want to live!!!

Back in January I was making big plans to hike Half Dome at Yosemite this summer. Due to a couple of things, it hasn't happened. I am bummed because I really wanted to do it. But I figure there is always next year.

This morning I am checking out the yahoo headlines and I come across this fascinating article about how 14 (FOURTEEN!!) people have died this year on half dome.

No thank you.

I think maybe I will try out one of those rock wall thingys they have in town instead. I don't want to die.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

How to succeed at having a kick ass houseboat weekend without really trying

Not this past weekend, but the weekend before..... holy crap, did anyone else just start singing that jump rope song in their head???


Anywho.... the weekend of the 15th a group of friends and I rented a houseboat. It was super crazy fun. I think that it was such a good time because we had the perfect group of people. There was no complaining, no drama, no overly drunk awfullness. Just enough silliness to keep us talking about it for a long time. Since the weekend was such a success, I have prepared for you a visual guide to creating the perfect houseboat weekend:

1) Invite these bitches. Why? Cause we are awesome and fun. AND, all of them with the exception of moi, have some giant boobies that can double as a flotation devices if need be. Safety first people.

2) Find a cool, secluded spot to park your houseboat. Lots of space is needed for optimal floating.

3) Get a mascot. This is Penelope. She really really liked cheeze-its.

4) Beer!!!  Duh.  I'm speaking from experience here when I say that 110 beers is not enough for 9 people. We tried.  That was only enough for one day. 

5) Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Just cause you are in the water all day does not mean that you don't have to soap up your junk and wash your greasy hair.

6) Candace. And her yellow sunshine bathing suit. You just need it on your houseboat trip. Trust me. She came with her own beer, no need to purchase extra.

7) Handsome men..... you need those too.  I am going to recommend a more balanced ratio of males to females though. Our men were seriously out numbered. Poor guys.

8) Proper eye protective wear is a must. The sunshine gleaming off the water all day can be hard on the eyeballs.

9) Dancing! Houseboat dancing. Yeah....

10) Have a trusted captain. Ours was seasoned with a whole ten minutes of practice before we left the marina. The hat makes her look official.

11) Vegetables. They are important. You wouldn't want to end up with scurvy or something. Isn't that what pirates got from not eating fruits and vegetables?  

12) Bring extra blankets. If you forget yours, you are going to end up sharing a bunk with someone you weren't prepared to share a bunk with..... like these two love birds.

13) You must jump off the roof of the houseboat. You have not had a successful houseboat weekend without reckless acts of immaturity.

14) Personal watercraft. Because it's FUN. I just wanna go fast!!!

15) Making out. Mmmmhmmm. Do it.

16) Life jackets. So trendy and fashionable.Say hi to our model, Lisa.

17) BBQing. Yum! Don't let me cook though. I know I look like a master chef here.... but seriously hot dogs are about the only thing I was willing to attempt with confidence that I wouldn't ruin them. Who ruins hot dogs?

18) BIG FIRE! It helps if you bring along a master fire conjurer.

19) Relaxation. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Oh and sunscreen. Skin cancer is bad, mmkay?

If your pants would actually catch on fire, that would be swell. Thanks.

"Liar Liar, pants on fire", we've all said it at some point right? When we were youngsters. Well, I think I used it last week... but anyway.

I am not going to sit here and say that I have never told a lie. I have. But as I have matured, and become a grown up (sorta, I am a work in progress), I have discovered that there are very very few situations where a lie is a better option than the truth. I will still probably sugar coat certain things, like telling you I really like your new hair do, when I really do not. Why would I do that? Well, because for one thing, you are probably my friend and I don't want to hurt your feelings. For another, even if I said "Whoa bitch, your hair is scurrrrry", it's a bit late now to fix it, right?

I think honesty in a relationship is oh so very important. How can you expect someone to trust you when everything that comes out of your mouth is fabricated nonsense??

Obviously I have been thinking about this because I recently found myself in a situation where I was being lied to (badly) by someone I really wanted to trust. Someone I cared about.  And it was the dumbest thing to lie about. This guy that I was sort of seeing casually brought along another girl to a group thing. He was adamant about the fact that they were "Just friends". He must have said it to me about 80 times that night.  He also enthusiastically pointed out that she was married. I think he even said that a couple times too.  All of it was very over the top actually. I didn't really care all that much.  The way I saw it was, this guy is not my boyfriend, I have no say at all what he does with his time and who he spends it with.... so whatev.

I didn't think much about that girl again until about two weeks later when I was at the guys house. I was standing next to his dresser (so obviously in his bedroom) and noticed a necklace laying there inside one of the candle holders. I made some joke about his girly jewelry. He proceeded to act like he had no idea where it had come from. Made up some bullshizz story about how it must have belonged to the last girl he dated a long time ago.  The funny thing is that I knew exactly who it belonged to, his married "friend" that I met. I know it was hers because I told her I liked it and complimented her on it that night. It was actually a hideous horse shoe shaped necklace... remember what I said earlier about sugar coating things? Well I was trying to be polite and make conversation :p

Instead of pointing out the fact that I knew he was lying to me, I just let it go. Again, not my boyfriend, not my property. I don't really care if he wants to spend the night with other girls. Girls who are just his friends. Girls who leave their ugly jewelry at his house. But what really bothered me was that he couldn't just be honest about it with me. He couldn't be honest when he brought her along, lied about being just friends, lied about her being married (because she is technically married, but clearly a hooker who steps out on her husband... or maybe they have one of those crazy open marriages... I don't know. But either way, she is not married in the sense that he wanted me to believe) and lied about not knowing who's necklace it was.

Well, that was about 3 lies too many for me.  So I gracefully bowed out of that situation. I stopped calling, stopped texting. Stopped making an effort. Why would I, at that point? I was hoping that he and I could remain friends. I wasn't mad at him. I just can't date a liar.

What's funny is that now that I have moved on, found a great guy and I am happy, liar thinks he has somehow been wronged. Like I wasn't supposed to see anyone else. I wasn't supposed to find someone who makes me happy without treating me like a dumb idiot.  Well, sorry that I didn't wait around for you to treat me any worse than you already had.  I hope you feel vindicated in unfriending me on Facebook. That really taught me a lesson. You win ;)

It's a bird! It's a Plane!..... oh wait......

I left the front door open when I got to work (early, 7:00am) this morning since it was so nice outside. As I was listening to the messages on my voice-mail I noticed something fly in through the door out of the corner of my eye. It was a dragonfly.  Normally I am not afraid of dragonflies.  I don't think they hurt you and they are kind of pretty.  When I think of dragonflies, I think of this:

Awwwwwwwwww ;)

But this dragonfly was different. It. Was. BIG. And swooping.  Like a murderous pterodactyl!!!

It wanted to eat me.  So I did the only reasonable thing to do..... I dropped my phone, fell out of my swivel chair (is this workers comp??) and scrambled down the hallway to the bathroom, seeking refuge from the prehistoric beast! I'm pretty sure it shrieked, or hissed, or something. It was awful :(

I managed to collect my wits and arm myself with my pink broom and headed back out to my desk to see if I could steer the monster back towards, and hopefully out, the door. Luckily for me it only took 3 hysterical swoops with my broom to convince it to leave.  *hmph!* Goodbye and good riddance!

Thank goodness no one was around to witness my sissy la-la shame this morning. I acted a crazy fool. But in my defense, the thing was GIGANTIC.  It could have easily picked me up and carted me off to who knows where..... pterodactyl island? 

P.s. Pterodactyl is a hard word to spell.... it took me about 4 tries before spell check said I finally got it right :p