Wednesday, March 25, 2020

I'm not meant for self-isolation, but we all need to do it

I'm meant to roam free!  I am meant to be able to wander around Target aimlessly if I so choose. I am meant to be able to grocery shop without worrying that I won't be able to buy toilet paper.

But these are strange times, my friends. 

I am sure that everyone is aware of the current state of affairs.  Hide yo kids, Hide yo wife, Coronavirus!!

I am taking this virus seriously, and I am doing my best to abide by the Governor's shelter in place order to only leave home for essential needs.  But we all need a laugh, especially now that we are trapped in our homes. So please don't take my attempt at humor as a lack of respect for the severity of our collective situation. 

*Ahem* Ok, so..... people are losing their damn minds. They are stockpiling toilet paper and paper towels and baby wipes. They are buying grocery stores out of soups, rice and pastas.  It's silly.  What are you going to do with all that toilet paper?  Are you eating mac n cheese for the next year? WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING??

The grocery stores are not closing. There hasn't been any talk that I am aware of that they are planning to close the grocery stores going forward.... so why are you worried you can't get more of those things you are hoarding later?  I'm really curious to know.  PLEASE enlighten me as to your reasons for panic hoarding things that other people need to have access to as well.... I'll wait. Oh, you have no reason, you are just silly sheeple?  I knew it.  STOP IT.

On March 19th the CA Governor issued a Shelter in Place Order to try and "flatten the curve" of the Coronavirus.  Here is a quote directly from the California Coronavirus (Covid 19) Response website  "The California State Public Health Officer and Director of the California Department of Public Health is ordering all individuals living in the State of California to stay home or at their place of residence, except as needed to maintain continuity of operation of the federal critical infrastructure sectors."

Luckily, the current shelter in place order still allows for us to leave our homes when necessary in order to meet certain essential needs, like the aforementioned groceries, medications and doctors appointments.  But let's talk for a moment about "essential" needs, shall we?


Your SuperSONIC Bacon Double Cheeseburger is not essential.

Your fucking "TO GO" alcoholic beverage (which CA just inexplicably allowed when its been illegal, like, FOREVER), is sure as shit NOT ESSENTIAL.

Fight me. 

Taking your kids to a public park with a bunch of other people around is not essential!  It's reckless.

Going to the beach surround by hundreds of other people is not essential!!

Now I know what you are going to say.  "But Becky, McDonalds is open! So if they are open I should go there!" No.  McDonalds is open because they make food and that makes them an "essential business". Ok fine.  Truckers should have access to easily accessible and fast food while they are on the road, delivering all the important things, like more toilet paper, to the grocery stores.  I'll give them that.  But that doesn't mean that Tammy needs to load her 4 kids into the mini van and drive there to get chicken nugget kids meals instead of making PB&J sandwiches at home.  Shelter in place, means shelter in place, Tammy!  Just because a place is open doesn't mean you need to go visit and spread your germs all over it. And vice-versa, do you really want whatever germs the drive through worker has on his/her hands getting on your bag of food and then getting on your kids?  Just because a business is still open doesn't mean that you are, like, required to visit it.

Just go back to what you were all doing before

No one (ok, some people, but definitely not enough of them) is taking this seriously. And things will just keep escalating and getting worse until they do.  Can you just keep your ass at home and make some of that mac n cheese that you hoarded instead of finding any stupid "essential" reason that you can to leave the house and potentially get infected?  But that will never happen to you, right?  Cause it's not that big a deal, you wash your hands and you wear a mask and even if you did catch the rona it's not that serious and you would probably be fine. Right?  God, I hate you.  It's not about you!  It's about the people that it is a big deal for. 

If some careless douche manages to get the coronavirus and then passes it on to my mom, who could very likely die because of her existing lung issues......  I will for real hunt you down and kill you with your own stupid stockpiled inventory of Charmin Mega Rolls. I don't even know what the logistics of that would look like, but I will figure it out.

I get it. I do.  It's super inconvenient.  Its no fun at all.  For those who don't work for essential businesses and are losing wages while sitting at home, I GET IT.  But it's a serious situation folks and they way that we  get through it and to the other side is to sit tight, follow the orders that have been given and be safe. Acting like entitled brats because we don't want to stay home and give up our every day conveniences is not going to solve this problem.  And to be quite frank, it's not a good look, darling.

I think I have made my point pretty clear. Go to work if you have to. Go to the grocery store as little as possible to get the things you need and stay your ass home, because you have been ordered to do so!!

Sunday, March 15, 2020

Everyone needs a hobby

I have a wicked case of writers block. 

I feel like I don't have anything interesting to share. Not anything that anyone would really care about.

I wake up, get the kids ready for school and daycare. I go to work. I pick up the kids. Make dinner, give baths, go to bed and start all over again.

I need a hobby.

Oh wait, this is supposed to be my hobby.

Now, I'm not complaining. I mean, I guess I am a little bit. But I am not unhappy.  I love my boring little life. I love my kids and my husband. I like my job.  I just feel.....uninspired.

I am confident that I am not the only almost 40 mom out there feeling like I am stuck in a rut of boring routine and wishing something, anything, would spark a little excitement in my life.

Here's where I get a little picky... cause I say something, anything to spark excitement, but let's be real.... I don't need any drama.  I am a walking, talking embodiment of that Mary J. Blige song.  Keep your drama faaaaaar away from this girl.

A little drama free excitement would be alright with me.  Like maybe I could win a vacation in Paris. I've always wanted to go to Paris. The hubs and I could stoll along, eating baguettes, wearing berets, It would be lovely. It would be out of the ordinary and that is what I need.

Maybe a vacation away from my kids is exactly what I need. I love them, I love them sooooooooo much. But they try my patience and I sometimes wonder how much I could get for them on the black market. Cute little red head kiddos, I bet I would make a killing....... just kidding.  I promise.

It wouldn't be so bad if they could just get along.

I was just telling my mom this last night. It's like 10% of the time my kids get along and play well together. The other 90% of the time I am referee to their constant cage fight. I can't even go to the bathroom alone without hearing them shouting for me.

"Moooooom, Oliver is in my room again!"
"Mom, Oliver hit me with his toy"
"Mom, Oliver took my doll!"
"Moooooooom, Oliver is breathing in the same room as me!"

Ok, its just my daughter. She's a jerk to her brother.  Oliver loves her. He wants nothing more than to be wherever she is, doing whatever she is doing.  Phoebe, on the other hand, is annoyed with his very existence. In her defense, he is a brute and doesn't know how to play gently with anything.  I guess I would be irritated if someone was hulk smashing my LOL dolls all day too. 

So they bicker all day, every day. I have gotten pretty good at just tuning it out.  At this point I am ready to just let them fight to the death.

Have two they said. They will be great friends, they said. They will entertain each other, they said. 


Maybe when they get older, but they certainly are not great friends and entertaining each other right now. 

So for now, its the same old routine, day in and day out. Go to work, feed the tiny humans, make sure they don't die. Do it again tomorrow. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Somewhere in that schedule I am also supposed to find ways to meet my own needs, feed my own passions, make time for my hobbies.  Except I don't have any hobbies anymore. I love to do this....write. But I refuse to turn into some "mommy blogger" who only signs in to give you my latest "Life hacks" and parenting advice.... because I don't have any advice. I don't know what the eff I am doing half the time and I wouldn't even begin to pretend to know what you should be doing either. Love your kids, keep them alive. That's it. Those are my pearls of wisdom. 

I don't really know where I was going with this.... but there it is. I miss writing and thought that if maybe I just sat down and started writing anything, that something profound would follow.  That didn't really happen, but I am also rusty, so give me a little grace. Next time will be better, pinky promise.  Now, if you will excuse me, my son is shouting from the bathroom that he needs help wiping his butt.

Sunday, September 30, 2018

ET phone home?

The husband and I took the kiddos for a walk today at Caldwell Park.  The weather was beautiful, the scenery.... meh.  There was a lot of trash and homeless people.  It made me sad because I spent a lot of time in that park growing up and now I don't think I would feel safe going there by myself.  But that is a post for another day.

The point of this post is to let you guys know that I saw a payphone today!  An actual working payphone, not just the housing of one with the phone missing and half a phone book hanging in it.  I know it was working because there was a guy using it.

That might not seem very exciting.  And I will admit, it probably shouldn't be that exciting.  But it is definitely weird.  Right? I mean, this is the age of free Obama phones (Thanks Obama! I mean that, seriously, can we have him back now? But I digress....) so what possible reason would anyone have to use a payphone anymore? 

I can think of a few.


The guy obviously killed someone and was phoning in the anonymous tip.


He was most likely calling to demand his ransom.


Can't call his side chick from his cell or his wife will find out.

I can't really think of any scenario that I would need to use a payphone in that doesn't require being murder-y or involve child abduction. Can you?  I mean, unless......

Maybe he was escaping the Matrix!!! 

I feel like I potentially witnessed something big today, you guys!  So in case anyone needs this info, the call was made at roughly 11:30 this morning at the payphone in the Diestelhorst bridge parking lot. He was mid 30-ish, about 5'10", sandy colored hair and dressed like a definite serial cheater/murderer/childnapper who was possibly escaping the matrix.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Muy Caliente

I have a 4 year old for sale. Great price... free to be exact.  But be warned, once you take her there are no refunds or exchanges.  All sales are final.

I'm just kidding (sort of).  But for real the girl makes me want to day drink, all day, er day. I was sorta prepared for the terrible twos, and then I realized that the threes are MUCH worse. But I was not prepared for a 4 year old tyrant to run around my house, demanding food, ignoring the rules and being a general butt-head.  That's right, I said it, my daughter is a butt-head.  I LOVE her, more than I love anything on this earth, apart from her daddy and her brother, but I don't really like her at the moment.  She talks back, she flat ignores me, she runs a hundred miles an hour around the house all day.  She whines constantly.  I don't know how it's possible that she has so much in life to whine and complain about. She is free, white and beautiful. She has two parents who love her and feed her and dress her in cute clothes and buy her all the things and yet..... she is stuck with a perpetual "I smell shit" face on.

Michael Phelps definitely has more reasons in life to be making that face than my 4 year old

She is having a hard time obeying the rules at her daycare. The last 3 days that I picked her up she was in time out when I got there.  A while back when I arrived to get her the teacher pulled me aside and said that Phoebe got in an argument with one of her friends and that she spit at her.  SHE SPIT ON SOMEONE.  I feel like once you have reached spitting status in a fight, you are, like, one step away from being on an episode of Maury. 

Uuuugh, its like the ghost of Christmas future

The good news is that I think we have some time to reign her in before she turns to a life of daytime tv and terrible grammar.  

The most frustrating part of her current attitude is that it is definitely not something that we tolerate or let her get away with.  We sort of pride ourselves on being hard-ass parents so that our kids don't turn into serial killers.  Not hard-ass in the sense that we beat them or anything (I swear!) but more along the lines of not allowing bad manners, nipping bad behavior in the butt and having consequences when you make bad choices.  No exceptions.

So where did we go wrong?  I tried to put her in a time out the other day and she laughed at me. She laughed and I almost threw my shoe at her.  And then Oliver laughed because she laughed, and while everyone was laughing at mommy for trying to be an adult and actually be in charge, I decided it was time for a glass of wine. And then I put myself in a time out.

It's a good thing she is so cute. Can I just blame the rest on her red hair?  She's just so spicy

Is it just something about her age? Testing her limits more so than before? Hopefully it is a phase and she will grow out of it.  *sigh* I really hope so.  This momma is tired. 

Now, if you will excuse me, she finally fell asleep and so I am going to go get my adult beverage and watch something other than Paw Patrol.